She just have dreams, like everyone out there.

Don't go to space.

2012-02-07T06:15:00.000-08:00

What they say about aliens are true.
I live in their world almost everyday.
Six days a week.
I stare at them at most hours or so.
They give us a total of 45-60 minutes break to look away from them.
They have their own thinking.
They wanna eat our human brains.
But they act like they're the best.
While wearing their human suits.

Only the people in the movement know what's going on.
The people out there are sold.
They're con by the lies of the aliens.
They believe they're the best.
But we know.
We- the one acting like we're supporting the aliens.
They're trying to brain wash us.
Only the strong one, the stubborn one will survive.
They act so innocent. So awesome.
But they're just aliens in disguise.

The planet from out of space landed on earth close to a century.
Nobody notices, only the one who can't fit in realize it.
They tired to warn the others,
But it's too late.
They're just looked at us saying,
"You got to change your mindset."
We would say
"Look who's talking?"
And they will just stare at us and walk away,
Thinking we're crazy.
I guess the feeling is absolutely mutual.

We are the few who know.
We are the few who tries to run away.
We are the few who feel disgusted about it.
We are the few who constantly trying to fight it.
We are the few who try warn others.
We are the few who try to survive.
We are the few who think that they're absolutely nuts.
We are the few who can see what's under that mask of theirs.
We are the few who hate you much.
We are the few who are looking you with a smile but thinking of way to destroy you.
We are the few who know your plan.
We are the few who try to make a riot.
We are the few who are leaving without your poison.
We are the few who won't take your injections.
We are the few who will be your fail project.

To those who are still not there,
I warn you,
don't go near the seaside.
Their seaside.
They're not hiding.
They're huge.
You can see them.
You heard them talking about it.
You could see where they are, just open your eyes.
Save yourself before it's too late.

They're community.
I would love to tell you but I can't.
But I'll hint.

Free Your Helpless Soul.

I hope you're not disappointed in me.

2012-02-05T03:48:00.000-08:00

I know I'm not good at many things.
I know I turn out to something you never expected.
I know you don't really want to support whatever I'm doing.
I know you want me to be better.
I know you know better.
I know you wish I had other dreams.
I know you're worry about me.
I know you're impressed about my talent.
I know you want me to focus on my studies first.
I know you wished I never like what I like now.
I know you think it's just a teenage dream.
I know you're speechless about it.

But,
I know what I want.
I know I can do both at the same time.
I know I'm capable of it.
I know I make you worry but,
I know I can do it.
I know it can happen.
I know that this is what I want.
I know that you don't support me.
I know it will happen.
I know I just have to go for it, reach for it.
I know I'll make it.
I know I will live it.
I know I would have obstacles along the way.
I know I'll go through it.
I know it's not just a dream,

But the future.

Dilemma

2012-01-31T07:42:00.000-08:00

Firstly, say Hi to my beautiful creation. Was bored in class. trying to keep myself awake. Then I wanted to draw a girl. I don't know why it became a guy. But I'm pretty satisfied with it. Skater or dancer? No idea.

Sometimes I wonder why I write all my feelings on my blog. Okay, I mean I know that this is the way I feel good and I enjoy doing. But sometimes I wonder why can't I just write it on a piece of paper and when I feel better I'll just throw it away.

This thought always come to me. But I still repeat the same thing.

It's not that I like letting people know everything about me, it just comes naturally whatever I type. But I do like to share about it. But honestly speaking, well, I don't entirely type every single details. Some stuff are still private. But yeah..

I don't even know why I'm typing this.

But yeah.

Mind blank.

I have typos all the time.
Type to fast.
Enter to fast.
I've gotta change.
I got to slow down.

But then again
It's nothing wrong typing my feelings eh?

I feel pretty silly doing this though.

But I'm still doing it

Peace out.

I don't.

2012-01-23T04:19:00.000-08:00

I want it.

I want to know how it feels.

I want to grab hold of it.

I want to feel it.

I want to fill it.

I want to feel better.

I want it to happen.

I want what I'm thinking.

I want it to be true.

But I guess..

I don't need it.

fasting time

2012-01-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

just some stuff i wrote and type while i was fasting. just ended :)

4th day of fasting
First day of school was the first time I didn't feel any awkwardness, nervous or anything like those phobia of stepping in. Only the reluctant-ness. Regin was with me the whole time, We went to school together by bus and Qiucheng laugh when he looked at us because it was weird to look at each other with our uniform. Regin and I are studying at the same class too! And with my baby sheep, Cynthia. So with them with me, I felt calm. I don't know all the student name in my class yet, but soon =)

5th day of fasting,
2nd day of school.
Regina and I are my english teacher's asistents! It's okay, she didn't say much to me or even recognize me, probably think I don't understand english. So yup, but she's nice. Yesterday went swimming with regina and Cynthia . Many people told me yesterday was very hot. But I didn't felt it at all. I thought the weather was very nice, plus when you open your eyes in the pool, you could see the sunlight. So beautiful, didn't have a waterproof camera =(

Now, I'm like pinkish and brown. LOL. But I sort of like it. Regin and cynth turn and look at me in class They say I look drunk. Plus I was really tired. They both laughed at me and turned away. Left me clueless. Drunk. LOL. Jack say I look like I put on make up. that would be a lot of blusher! Regin, they say she looked burnt. She's really tanned now. But she suits it. I look bad when I'm tanned. Yukkie. I wanna be tanned but I can't =( I look really ugly. But I like my leg colour! Because it's even now. Woots.

The school set a new rules! That is, we have to wear the same socks! Which sucks to the core. Going to buy high cut converse. A must!!!

5th day of fasting!
I'm doing fine!

6th day,
Well, it's getting really tempting to go on the internet but N.O no! So, today, well, they say I still look dead in class. Well, it's really boring. I need to release my energy! Than listening to all the "lectures" :/
I'm so sad, my shoe is too clean! Sigh.. one more year. It's okay! Shouldn't make any promises with muy mum :p I'm writing since I can't blog. So at least I got to write eh? So, without internet, I help out in the kitchen. I cooked, pasta sauce (tomato) & fried long beans. Easy! Well, just listing to orders :p I think I have to start learning how to cook! Some chinese food too. Today , they ate pork ribs, pasta, garlic bread. While I have my grandma cooked soup (chinese style), mushroom soup, vanilla milk shake & sundae ice cream. No doubt have to do lots of lots of sit up! Scared yoo!
Today, my grandma laugh till she hit me. Best part, my sun burnt area. Ouch. But she didn't know about it. I was like "owh hen tong! " and she just laugh ==
So my sch bag is officially done! One and only in dah world yo! XD
FB.FB.FB. LOL! Stupid. Well, God is probably testing me, while I watch tv bunch of stuff linked me to go and surf the net. Suffering with joy =)
Really stress out now. Don't even know can I cope with both of my studies! Two different stuff. Feel like giving up one. Particular one. But the competitive me is out. Why should I torture myself? Sigh. Pray pray!

8th day,
Honestly Idk how I made it through 4 years in that stupid school. I hate it so much words can't even describe it. All those stupid stuff they come out with. It's fu*king ridiculous. But schools are schools. And I'm just like the rest of the kids trying to accept what's in front of me, at the same time there's this rebellious part in my flesh just wants to roar out for it's freedom. School is somewhere we learn and prepare ourselves for the outside world. Meet people that either make your life shytty or beautiful. Not to make us like some bunch of military people. This is stupid in so many ways.

I hate my schol. I sound freaking childish but I really meant it, I really feel this way. Okay, maybe the whole no meat in my stomach is acting up.I feel really crappy. 17. they say it's time to grow up and start planning for your future. Well, I start planning and know what I want when i was 15. I feel grown up? I have no freaking idea.

All I know, it's too soon. You plan for your future and you know what want and just want to get out of here. Because when you plan. It's when you take you a look at yourself. What you like. What you're doing with your life. You. Then you know and realize what you love and what you hate. There's this urge to go for it. You'll also realize how sucky reality is then you get scared of growing up. You just wish you don't exist. How are you going to cope with it?

Money. Money scares me. Job, am i able to get a job? Cash . It's like so limited now. For everyone or maybe I just want too much out of life. Beach bum. Ha, what a way to call me. Seriously I don't think i like that name. Thanks dad? Maybe I just know how to enjoy my life okay? sigh.. hug hug need hug from someone. Tell me everything will be okay please? Anyone out there who actually cares. okay. I think too much mushroom soup is activated. Side effects. But I really hate my school........................ Dies....................... Back. Argh. Drown me someone!

School sock rules - RULEZZ BIG TIME! lml I LOVE THAT FU*KING SOCKS! It makes me look so "cool".. I'm so "awesome" Braded by it. Next time you know our shoes, out haircut will all be the same. Then we have to shave our head and we have school logo on the back of our head. We have to line up to enter school they will scan our necks, where we have bar codes on it. Nanana comes to life and we find someone to stop this and sing "bulletproff heart" to him or her? I'm hungry. Danger days are really coming. The world is after me, after you. Okay stop. Jesus. Help me. I hope I didn't fail my test. I should leave everything to you. I shouldn't be talking stuff like this.

Day nine.
The socks is ridicoulus, hidious and hilarious. Who came out the with the rules? I mean wtf? Sigh.. and it's thick ands hot. Gosh this is stupid. High cut baby , where are you? Today. was like the worst from the other school days. I have no idea is it the school socks that is really affecting or what. I want to go crazy! Not locked up =( I WANT THE BEACH. I want to feel the sand in my palms. My feet in the ocean. Sand in my hair. That weird texture of your hair after soaking in the salt water for quite sometime. Sentosa beach is one reason I decided to give in to my dad's desicion on sending me there to study. I mean KL was my first choice. But they don't have the beach. So yeah. Sg is the winner. I don't know will I like it. But I'm sure it's goin to be better than here now. Going there without knowing anyone. Going somewhere so unfamiliar. Which church should I go to? Sigh. Anyway, Got to get my result done first! Do really well so I don't need to stay another year in there :)

Day 10
Finally got my baby high cut. Now it's much better, I feel better. Fine. I'm self consious. Yes. Very much. Anyway, now I got it the way I wanted it. :)

Day 11
Today is a almost pretty good day for me. I'm still clueless on my math. Probably do some revisions later. Fell asleep in class without any intention. Just daydream and poof. Bunch of math stuff on the blackboard, sigh.. Lately I thought about it. Thinking that accounts would be a lot more interesting. Well, I was wrong. I bet history and geography will be even better. And in geography class I can learn about the world. I guess Thank God for google. I can still get a chance to learn more about it. It's been awhile since I exercise and play my skateboard. Wouldn't have that energy to do all those :(
Suppose to go to SG today, changed of plans :S Dad want me to stay home. Sigh.. I thought I could go out. Than stay home. Plus if I'm out and really bored, I would study. Too bad. Tired.................................. Going to cook my dinner laytah...

Day 12.
It was driving me insane. Not the food part but the internet. It was crazy, I didn't know I would be that affected, but I'm sure there was a reason why it striked me to take on this fast. It's like a businessman who can't leave a finger off his blackberry. Yeah, kinda exarated that part. But yeah. Jack would die if he had to do this LOL.
12.01.12. A day Regin and I became serious with what that was going on in our minds. We totally know how each other feel for it. People thought we were a little bit too much. But it's real and it was happening. No one knew how we feel. Well, it just took one look. I'm freaking missing it. I miss everything about it. I'll take any opportunity to go there.

Day13
Well, I miss it so much I even dreamt of it. Regin went to help me out with it. But we both know it was a bad thing. Well, technically speaking I wasn't the one using the ipad to go on the net to check it out. LOL. But it's just a dream. Made me better because it's like I did it already. Well, you guys are probably extreamly clueless what I'm talking about. Okay skip!
I'm doing fine, felt stress out all of the sudden and started to teared. Emotional bitch. LOL. Nah.. I'm really not that bad. Watched "How do you know" with shan. The main actress reminds me of me, holding everything tgt trying to deal things in your own way. trying to convience that your strong enough. Sighh.. But well, hollywood. Everything has to have a happy ending just to make everyone feel better. Bullshyt. But one thing kinda creeps me out is when she said what she thinks about love. Same thought I had. Freaky.
Reading this book mum gave me ccalled the gift. it's good. Like a wake up call. Makes me wonder how I am with people. I hope I'm okay. I just wish I could clone myself to stand and just watch how I am and how I do things in a different perspectif. see things from people's point of view to know what I did wring and change.
Suppose to get my work done. Write your opinion in 300 words. Two stories so 600 words. Oh, and when I say words I meant Chinese word. That's so damn hard when you can't even link to the story :/ (guess what? I went to school and found out that that this essay, when they say 300 words they meant both essay tgt! >:( )
Oh my found back my old stuff. My old emo punk songs. Shytness! LOL!! I don't know why but I put them in my ipod. Man, I miss them ! But kinda change my style of songs.. Man. the vulgure words! Hahaha... What the heck am I doing at such a young age LOL. My first band I like was simple plan. That was 8. nine I fell in love with Green day, I rmb asking ppl my age you know green day?? and they were like 0.0 green who?? XD! I miss them. Blink 182. hahah.. Good charlotte. Those was the days... The punk bands now can't really make it. No offence.
Seeing all those pictures. I miss the thin me :(

Day17
Guess what? Time passes so fast! Yes, I'm serious. It's day 17!! Too fast. I'm glad! Because it means, sat is near. I can smell my holidays so near. <3 Today, I giggled to myself just the thought that we'll finish school early on sat! 11am and I'll be free, mum will be picking me up, then we, the whole family will go for brakfast. Yeah. You heard me whole family including Nic who's will be back! But since you're reading this, yeah she's back already. Anyway, no need to attend school for the next 7 dys!
CNY is near. I wanna control on my food. Got new goal :D 4 months <3 my body. Going to say goodbye to my fats. My muscles are suffercoating telling me they wanna see the world, they're brave to come out now XD
Going to study bullshyt later. Stinky >< LOL> BS! Argh.. So much to memorize. BS=Business studies. In case you didn't know what bullshyt stands for over here. Tehee.. test on friday ><
Teatea gave me a dream catcher. I yelp, gasps, silent shout, hug. When I saw it. Too sudden, didn't expect it. It's orange it's so nice (= Love it(= I only mention about it once or twice! I can't promise we'll be close forever, I don't know the future but we must keep in contact when we're not in school anywmore. Updates. Nothing last forever let's just cherish what we had and have (= <3
I should start studying. Peace out .

Day 18
Whatsup people!! HAhaha.. IMHSM! ): hhahaah.. why do I feel hype? well, i'm not consistant with this whole "journal" thing. Because I'm starting to have the habit of not on-ing the comp already tehee.. Day 18! Can't you believe it?? So fast 0.0 And I don't mind being a vegetarian! XD I love vege now!! Fruits are my best friend now haha.. Yummy stuff. Watermelon :D guava actually keeps me from getting hungry. Finish my oral today! I'm so happy with my marks. Satisfied. The highest among the other years. But teacher say the script is kinda short. Regin and I. Woots! She had to stand in front of me. I tired not to laugh which made me kinda stiff after that.
So. I made a deal with myself. In 4 months Im gonna have packs! Yeah. You heard me. Tehee.. I'm tired of those fats bringing me down, intead of complaining I, Rachel, will do something about it.
Yes, time to continue my BS (sleppy already) ):

Day19
Finish studying the bs! Going to write one more last time before I sleep (: Borrowed ukulele from Jack! Heehee.. But I can't go online so can't check tabs. Only can play two songs, sea of love and five years time :/ anyway got two more days it's okay! I got a feeling I'm going to miss fasting ):

I hate that feeling after exersicing I go and eat my dinner. Putting food into my stomach,guilty.. I really want to loose those weights! Can't believe I actually studied! I never do this before. Wow. Miracles are happening already? Thank you Lord! Actually kinda tired already.

Kinda hype that nicole is coming back so ssonn ! Hehee.. Feeling very frustrated lately.. Pms? I hate it. Don't cooommmee! Wait do come. I wanna go to the beach soon, mum say picnic! =D Got double chin already! Sobbieesss! Nvm it's coming out , because it's leaving :D

Jack, Btw just wanna say I'm really glad about everything. Rmb I'll always be here no matter you're in a bad or good situation okay? Just look for me. Your brahthor/sisthor will always be there ;) I think we should confirm our identidy. But then I wanna be both! XD bro and sis. Not bad eh? Ha.

Becky and Van bought us wallet. I love it! The colour is very nice too (: Can replace my stupid handmade pouch (:

I wanna surf soon. I really want too!!! Dreamt about it for so long already. SIgh.. But I know I'll have my chance. Just like my skateboard, I dreamt of skating since I was 8, and I was able to skate when I was 16. Kinda long 0.0 But it's okay. I'll make sure I'll able to surf by this year, who want to come with me? (:

Day20
Mood swing. Crazy girl mode actived. Trying to keep clam. Things I rather keep to myself. Skip. Tired day. Pale face.

Day21
It happened! P_s. Well I told Jack, we jump, shake hands and go "yayyy!" Happy to know that's what that cause whatever that happen yesterday. Not because I was a total abnormal person.
Better today. It so much fun when we're in the hall. The best celebration of CNY they held. (Applause) Everything about the school is pretty cool, you can't get that in other schools. I just hate the study method that's all.
So many FY people in cs today :/ Saw jack and URIAH! yayyyy.. It's been awhile since I saw him. So yup.
Addicted to stupid liar by big bang. I know. It's korean group. Rachel are you serious?? Yes. I know it's all a BIG HUGE suprise. But they're realy good! ><
Today is my last day of fasting it's crazy. I'm staying up late tonight, midnight. To eat my chocolate muffin :p Yay! get to eat desserts! Meat!!! Chicken wing! Cheese!!!! Bread!! Oh my Lord. I can't believe I did it. Eat only vegetables and fruits for 15days. 6 days only on beverage. WOW. Thank the Lord for it. He pull me through it. I'm used to it now (: I've been eating a lot of vege too! Haha, I used to dislike potatoes. Now I like them (: 6days of beverage fast and 15 days of daniel fast almost complete. Honestly speaking I'm attatch to it. LOL.

So,
We have this booklet where everyday we have to read it. One day about one topic. Learn new things too. It's been really great. Today will be a great day.

So I've no idea why but today it's like our family can't communicate. Not in a bad way but funny way. Everyone has so much in mind. No one wants to listen to anyone. Everyone is talking! "wait wait" "let me say first" "hey hey" "eh" "no! no!" "did you know" and dad was like "eat faster we have to go, stop talking" And they pause for like what? 2 secs only? Then continue. Me "Can I say something?!" "Hey! Hellooo??... Nic. Nic. Che. che." "Fine. No one wants to listen." "Did you hear what I say." Man, it isn't easy. Our voices seems to be louder today. All trying to cover each other's voices. But it's really nice (:

I wanna by amp. Zzzzz....

Going to remodel a few clothes (:

Well, If you really read the whole thing. My whole "journal" I'm suprise. Becasue it's really long. I mean usually no one gives a damn to read it. I'm just writing/typing because I want too. Well, Thanks. Appreciate you taking/wasting your time on this. It's not really interesting, I know. But yeah.. But I would like to know who read it. That will be nice :) Leave a comment? yeah. You have a nice day.

To all my readers!
God bless you.
Jesus loves you, me, us.

No offence to anyone.

Stay awesome ;)

The even awesome one,
Rachel.P

2012 baby

2011-12-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

" I want so much out of life. Feels like someone is pressing hard against me, killing me softly. To the point you can't even speak but just stare at things around you, See how people live their life, wonder how they feel, are they happy or sad. Do they know their purpose in life? Or are they just living their life waiting for death to come. And just earn as much money as they can to survive. Are they in pain? Are they suffocating like me? Seems to me I'm like a doll, a puppet being control by the one who raise me, Choices they make to mold me into something I don't wanna be. I'm holding a scissors trying to cut the strings while their strong and firm hand grabs me until I can't move but twitch, I'm a puppet who wants to be free and won't stop till I'm where I want to be. "
13.11.11

Something I wrote behind my novel. I find it kinda funny and scary when I was typing it out. One of my crazy moments LOL..

Well, It's 2012 now! Happy new year everyone!!

Things that happened 2011?
1. Did lots of DIYs
2. Another Converse shoe belongs to me now (:
3. Went Bali & Jakarta
4. Tried body boarding
5. Made old-new friends. LOL.. So weird combination. But yeah we're back to normal (;
6. Rolled in permas jusco, Cs & school. Like literally.
7. Learning dancing & skateboarding!
8. Made it to Form 5.
9. Made new awesome friends.
10. Went Sentosa SG for the first time & went there twice!
11. Went Aquaria KLCC for the first time too!
12. Went Sunway Lagoon.
13. Read 5 novels? Can't rmb.
14. Didn't watched that much movie as 2010 LOL
15. Got close with my baby cousin, which like I'm so not good with kids. So it's a miracle :p
16. Started exercising!
17. Did hosting for SR Recital.
18. Learnt the ukulele (sort of)
19. Had 8 ulcers in my mouth!
20. Design, draw and paint my classroom wall :D
22. Cut Katy Perry hairstyle & my trade mark super short hair (Again)
23. Learnt to be more expressive XP
24. I was as hype as ever.
25. I love Regina even more XD
26. Relationship with God has increase!
27. Still single since I came out from my mum's womb. (Should I be proud? LOL)
28. Learnt to keep my walls up.
29. Learnt to give my troubles to God.

Yeah. There's good and bad stuff, from what I remember it's just this few.
and it's time to put it in the pass and focus on next year! I mean this year >< Gotta get use to it! 2012 <3 <3
Love it. Love it. Learning to (:
2011 was awesome but I'm sure 2012 will be better! And 2012 movie has to be move from the action side to the comedy corner :p (read that on twitter)

So I'm going to fast, starting tomorrow! Which is technically today. For 21 days (:
So I'm going on beverage fast and internet! Sobbies. Going to be hard but I'm doing it. Just got a feeling inside me that I have too. So it's just 21 days! I can do it. Gonna disappear from facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc. Maybe I'll realize life isn't all about all this (:

Gonna miss much.

All the hoping, I have to wait till it's over first. After all God first eh? (:

I can do it. After that yeah.. I'll be back for more updates!

P.s I miss the beach ):

Society of others

2011-12-31T09:29:00.000-08:00

Finished reading a book titled " The society of others" by William Nicholson, bought it at my school book fair(But I'm sure the school doesn't know what's inside. There's like curse words and stuff..), was well attracted by the cover. Well, naturally.
They didn't say much on the description all it had was
" My late father says, 'Your mother tells me you spend all day shut up in your room.'
I say, 'She does not lie.'
He says. 'There's a big wide world out there. You're not going anywhere so long as you stay shut up in our room.'
I say, 'There's nowhere to go' "

For some reason it made me feel like this is going to be a good book, he's probably going out there. Since I can't run at least I could read a story about someone who get out there for an adventure. And I'll just imagine I'm on my way out of house. To explore the world.

So yeah. This guy has a well, very negative personality but for some reason the stuff he says kinda make sense in his own way. Well his expect of life :

" This big wide world: first of all, it's not so big and wide. Really the world is only as big as your experience of it, which is not big at all. And what sort of world is it? I would characterizes it as a remote, uninterested, unpredictable, dangerous, and unjust. When I was small I thought the world was like my parents, only bigger. I thought it watched me and clapped when I danced. This is not so. The world is not watching and will never clap. My father doesn't get this, he's still dancing. It makes me quite sad to see him.
Cat says my world view lacks depth and is merly bitterness. I dispute this. I feel no bitterness. I see things as they are. Nature is selfish. All creatures kill to survive. Love is a mechanism to propagate the species. Beauty is a trick that fades. Friendship is an arrangement for mutual advantage. Goodness is not rewarded, and evil is not punished. Religion is superstition. Death is annihilation. And as for God, if he exist at all he stopped caring for humankind centuries ago.
Wouldn't you?
So why leave my room? "

There's a few part which strike me, and some that I liked, like :
"Poems are for showing how clever you are, and for putting in books, and for making people write in exams. They're just another way to make people like me feel stupid."

"They're like ageing women who've stopped looking in mirrors. That way you're always young, always beautiful."

"I will not die for what I believe in because what I believe in is life."

"We thieves, we wild men, we gun-toting terrorist, have a wedding to attend."

"Oh my mother.
I never thanked you for holding me in your arms. I never knew that you were always there. I only knew that when I needed you, you never failed me. Did your life stop for me, or did it go on but in some changed way? Love me always but don't love me too much. I can't bear it. I can't repay. Please understand I'm not cruel and without heart, but I will leave you."

"When I don't need you any more I'll start loving you, and that way when you die I'm the one with broken heart. Let that be my repayment."

" 'So you're agreeing with me?'
'Not agreeing, no. I'm listening. '
' I thought this was suppose to be an argument.'
'Not at all. Arguments are for winning and losing. What use is that?'
'If you win and argument, that proves you're right.'
'Not at all. It only proves you 're better at arguing.'
'So that's good.'
'How is it good? It seems to me that it gets you no future than you were before. We might as well stand in the rain and piss at each other.' "

" 'What do you see?'
'A rod. snow. Sky.'
'And me, I see the ditch that runs beside the road, and the ice in the ditch, and the sunlight on the ice.'
'I see all that too. I could have said that.'
'But you chose to see one thing, And i another. We're both right. We invent nothing. We select. We each make our own world, out of the common store that is reality.' "

"It's funny about people's faces. If you look at them for long enough they stop being beautiful or ugly and become just themselves. Then you see they couldn't be any other way because that person's life has formed his face, and if you love him you love his face the way it is."

" Then as she's looking at me she slips into this parallel universe or something because for a moment she seems quite different. It's like seeing a small child hiding in her face, peeping out, not knowing I can see her. This small child is so lovely and so unaware that the sight of her makes me catch my breath surprise. I've forgotten that people can be without guile, She's so fragile, so bound to be hurt. I almost cry out loud.
'What?' say Am.
'You'. I say.
'What about me?'
'You beautiful.' "

It's a good novel. Go get one (:

Our creator

2011-12-29T08:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we just get worry over things that aren't that bad or
I should say, I just get worry over things that aren't that bad.
I over think things too much sometimes. too much. It actually kills me inside.
I feel like an old lady going over and over again about one small little situation. One small mistake I call it which actually, nothing. We people. Correction. I.
I am absolutely crazy.
My mind is like... I keep talking to myself...

In the end.
I should just leave my troubles to
My friend.
My love.
My provider.
My hope.
My father.
My strength.
My freedom.
My healer.
My God.
He's everything.
And He's everything I need.

Even when everyone leaves.
He will still be there smiling to me telling me leave it me and I'll give you rest.

So, I, Rachel, should stop worrying all the time but leave everything to Him.

Called out to him talk to Him like a friend,
He's there,
You'll be surprise.

Give it a try, reader.

(:

xoxo

make me feel like I exist.

2011-12-13T02:22:00.000-08:00

Looks like things are going to change so soon,
come to think about it I'm not ready at all.
But I don't want this to be like one of those lip service thing going on,
don't want that some routine again and again.
The doubts, disappointments, worries, etc.

I don't want this year to end,
I feel like perter pan.
~~wow, it actually rhymes~~

One of those moment when we just sit there and daydream and think about yourself.
Gosh, what I've become.
It's the most weirdest wrong feeling I have.
Or feelings?
Imma disgusting person.
LOL?
So easily affected,
control,
felt,
move.

Stupid.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha!

Ha?

People can actually do that?
Idk.

Maybe I'm just lost.
Don't know where I have to stand.
Or maybe I just never picked it.
I mean how am I suppose to pick?
It's so easy, but confusing.

I hate it.
Why do we need this anyway?
Why do we need to feel this way?

Somethings are created and we just don't have a clue about it.
Example, why am I here?
Probably I'll be someone who will meant somebody in their life.
Their helper and friend in time of need.
We all have a role to play.

Maybe one day someone out there will also make me feel like a actually exist.

dear : _______

2011-11-29T02:53:00.001-08:00

Read the old post written by me. Gosh, it's kinda embarrassing. It's funny how I've change. I decided to delete it but then again it's good to leave it and see I've change and grown up. A reminder that I'm alive and growing. New situations that happened to me. It's rather funny and interesting. This is so weird. Saying your own blog interesting. Well, changed. But not grown up yet?? Not enough? Sigh.. It still rings in my ears about you telling me to grow up..

It hurts. I'll admit it hurts. It did change how I think and act around you. Things just got weirder.. Sometimes hearing your voice makes me want to blast my earphones real loud.

But when I think about the future when I'm leaving you, thinking about how hurt you are yet you still put on a straight face holding all of us together, planning everything.. It just hurts to see you like that. It makes me even worse when I see you becoming like this. I don't know...

I'm trying my best to make you guys glad. to let you guys know that I did make you guys feel like after all the pain it was worth it. I do love you and I do dislike you. But if you ever leave this world it would be hard for me. I'll admit. There's a reason why God put us together.

Sometimes I just hope one day you'll quit thinking and worrying about us.
and think about yourselves. Look at you guys!! Please.
You guys really need to find time for yourselves and forget about us.
I just really wish and hope deep down inside you're happy.
Happy to be here.
Happy to be living.
Happy to be breathing.
Happy to see us.
Happy to see yourself.
Happy to see your partner.

I love you guys.
I don't think I need to write your names to know who you are.

Sincerely,
your buddy/baby/emo one/ rachel.

that someone

2011-11-28T05:18:00.001-08:00

I wish I knew who you were,
I wonder do you also feel the same way,
thinking about who will that be,
do you?

I would like to get to know you,
but our time hasn't come yet,
I wonder would it be like a that first sight that would make your heart beat faster
or for some reason it happen after we knew each other for quite some time.

I hope they agree to it,
I wonder how would it feels like,
that smile on our faces and that hug,
that says we made it through.

I wonder how the fights would be,
that will bring us to tears,
and show us the sight we never seen or thought we had.

What's funnier is I'm thinking about this total stranger,
and he doesn't know I'm thinking about him,
neither do I even know how he looks like,
would he be the same race with me
or the one I always had in mind.

But they say "the one you have would be totally different from what you thought",
yet you can still love him.

Love.
This word.
I don't know.
Seems hard to trust,
even if it's real,
we would protect ourselves and deny all we want,
either way we will still get hurt,
so why not take that step and give it a try,
if it's true, there you go.
If not at least you've tried.

Sometimes I see two people who are madly in love,
and I would be thinking how true is this,
who's lying and who's being played?
But then again they look so happy together,
that moment that make you go when will it be my turn?
then you start thinking over it again and go maybe I don't want this.

They always say "when it happens then you'll just know",
is it the same when a mother holds her new born baby?
I don't know.

Still young.
Don't know much,
lots of things I had never experience before,
but I'll know in the future,
and I would explain it better to the one that doesn't know.

To make them assured it's okay just live every minute well,
you'll meet him/her one day,
there's nothing to rush.

Why bother rushing?
Enjoy every moment you wouldn't know when the people around you would leave this earth,
treasure the one you have now then to dream about the one that's not there yet,
you'll get your chance to meet them and treasure them too.

♥

Thanks?

2011-11-17T21:52:00.001-08:00

"You need to grow up."

I need to grow up??

Fuuook,I need to grow up.
I need to grow up.
I need to fuuooking grow up.

Time.

You need to learn how to manage ____.

You need to find ____.

You need to learn how to manage ____.

You need to find ____.

Promise.

You need to learn to make _______.

You need to learn how to _______ for people.

You need to learn to make _______.

You need to learn how to _______ for people.

I dreamt that you told me I'm the worst.

You even haunt me in my dreams.

Seriously, give me a break.

Some gif credits to www.dailyloggie.tumblr.com
and tumblr.

Peace.

2011-11-16T05:53:00.001-08:00

call me crazy but I really need this now.

Credits to tumblr <3

Surfing

2011-11-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

Picture from net.

I've never surf or skate in my life,

but it feels like I did before.

Seeing people just holding their boards makes me hype,

heart racing fast,

that adrenaline rush to just surf / skate.

When I see the ocean first thing that came to my mind is to surf,

it's pretty tragic that we don't have waves here.

Plan to get a skateboard this year end holiday and just skate.

Surfing feels like a moment when you can just have time alone and just ride with the wave,

follow along to the wave,

the rhythm of it,

it's like your connected to it,

attached with it,

it's like they have feelings too.

The ocean is extremely beautiful too.

The way the sunlight reflects against it,

words couldn't describe how beautiful God's creation are,

It's just magnificent.

It makes me speechless.

The ocean seems like it could be a second home,

it's like it lures you to go over and play with them.

Surfing might be addictive,

I don't know,

but I know i'll give it a try for sure.

For now.

2011-10-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

Gosh.

I couldn't get that picture out of my head.

This is going to distract me for a few days.

I'm determine to do it now.

I got a feeling it's you.

Might not be,

but still I got a feeling it is.

I like it.

Everything about it.

Can't believe I'm such a simpleton when it comes to this.

I really am infatuated by this.

Wait,

~~I don't even know you.~~

Okay.

I can sleep as a happy person now.

I love today.

It's great.

Ups and downs.

But :)

You'll never know me.

2011-10-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'm just like the rest of them.

People think I'm crazy but you have no idea how you could actually make my day,

You did the same to the others,

We're just crazy people with crazy imaginations.

But that's what keep us alive.

You inspired me so much.

You make me feel like "Yeah, it's possible."

You'll never see this,

But it's okay.

Almost complete

2011-10-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

Poh Lin and Jie Lin did this for me, I think it's really adorable! Plus it taste good =)

Anyway, today, 15 October, I finally watched three musketeers 3D and I must say the wait and cash was worth it! ~~I feel like my life is almost complete.~~ This movie, everything was great, I'm sure they took a lot of work to get everything done. It's really cool. The effect and everything.

Oh by the way I watched real steel last night, that movie was nice too. Enjoyable, pretty touched too. The thought of all the animation and editing really makes me salute them.

So vomit just now, my dinner is gone! Flush down the drain. Rolls. Still not feeling too good so going head to bed soon!

Peace out.

free style

2011-10-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

Okay free style now.

Kinda stress out with the whole exam thing!

It's like another two weeks.

I feel like I'm prepared, but I'm not even close to that!

It's crazy.

Feel extremely anxious about everything...

Going to watch 3M on Saturday though!

So elated about it,

though i feel guilty for not watching it on the first day it was out!

No idea why @@

But really excited about it..

Invited my friends along too well, support!

Watched the trailer and boy does it look good!

Plus! good cast :)

Watching it in 3D.

OMG I feel hype about it!

Things are going well now.

realize I don't really need to bother about those stuff things,

it will work out well,

decided not to push it.

Yeah..

Lately I've been trying to compose songs,

which it's like impossible.

But I have that feeling though ==

I like the tune but it wouldn't fit the guitar,

I like the rhythm of the guitar but I can't get the right tune.

Guess I have to do it separately.

Sad.

anyway feeling very exhausted!

had home science today!

I'm tired.

2011-09-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being lock up.
I'm tired of being locked up in that same room for hours.
I'm tired of trying to be so nice to people.
I'm tired of holding back my anger.
I'm tired of forgiving people so easily.
I'm tired of trying to be good.
I'm tired of being so obedient.

I'm tried of staring at the same old teachers.

I'm tired of doing the same old routine.

I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner.

I'm tired of being so limited by so many things.

I'm tired of being seen as a problem child.

I'm tired of getting that weird looks from people.

I'm tired of people thinking I'm crazy all the time.

I'm tired of trying to be happy.

I'm tired of hiding my weak side.

I'm tired of holding back all my tears.

I'm tired of hiding all my fears.

I'm tired of being so merciless.

I'm tired of being so hard.

I'm tired of being last.

I'm tired of getting meaningless marks.

I'm tired of your faces.

I'm tired of listening to your voice.

I'm tired of sensing your despair.

~~I'm tired of how proud you are over her.~~

I'm tired of everything you do.

I'm tired of you looking me down.

I'm tired of you taking your words back.

I'm tired of concealing how I feel inside.

I'm tired of my fake smile.

But that's just how I am.

and it's killing me.

He loves us.

2011-09-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

I kept finding reason.
I kept searching what's missing.
I kept thinking why is my life so dull.
I kept wondering what's happening to me.
I kept thinking why do I feel so empty inside.
I kept finding answers.

In the end it was always there,
I just never pay attention to it.
That small little hint He gave.
The way I just avoided it so easily.

Tonight, I just decided to listen to it.

I never felt better.
It was great to feel that peace again.
That emptiness filled with love.
Love that can't never be replace.
A love which not even words can describe.

~~I was down.~~
I am happy now.

We all need Him in the end.
All the things we have now are just temporarily.

Too buried by other things.
Felt that guilt in my heart.
~~Like a slap across my face.~~

We all need him.
We all need Jesus.

You can laugh and rise your eyebrows,
But if you just take that step to call out His name.
Focus on Him.
Don't have any doubts but believe in Him.
You will feel the difference.

He's always there,
He loves us.
He loves you.

He's real,
Always.

Mean

2011-09-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

I didn't like her.

Yes, i was childish.

I didn't like her because of personal reason,

and because of that I started to look at the negative side of her.

But I think of what I thought it seems all wrong.

When I see her I gave her a smile,

which made me feel like a ~~bitch~~.

~~Sometimes I feel like grabbing her hair and whack her face on the wall.~~

and there was me being all mean again.

I don't want to be that type of girls.

I didn't want to be a ~~bitch~~ who thinks and acts like one.

But I didn't want to be a fake smiling at her.

But if I don't smile it isn't nice too.

So I thought maybe I should just be nice to her and not hate her, everyone has their weakness and I shouldn't hate her at the start. I'm just being plain mean. Change. First time hating people, feels weird.

I guess we'll experience all types of things in life.

after all I'm only sixteen!

Official.

2011-09-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Officially sixteen.

Sixteen.

I'm not really matured yet.

My thinking.

I don't know what I'm doing.

So much in mind but can't seem to do it.

Don't know what's holding me back,

I just didn't.

Not proud of my age for I have not achieved much.

I laugh everyday,

laughing seems to take away most of my time.

Laughing over something you can't remember,

and it's a new day.

It's September now.

I'm not ready for many things.

Kept thinking about my dreams, my future and I've forgotten my present.

I'm so worried.

But I found things to motivate me,

this time seems real.

I guess it's a good thing.

New start.

I said it probably 101 times.

This time it's official.

Gayistic!

2011-08-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

Nice to hear that.

It's nothing but it's something to me.

Thanks.

It felt good.

Ha.

Weird?

Nah I don't think so.

Naturally we will feel this way.

I'm such a genius.

Well, sort of.

Can't believe I did that.

I did that because it involves, you.

And I wanna know about it.

Well, some people are just insecure and think that they're so "awesome" and great with what they did. Thinking that whatever they did was so brave. I think that he's- Egoistic+gayness. It's a funny combinations. LOL Let's call it Gayistic. Okay I'm being mean, random and stupid.

Wow, It's been awhile since I type this stlye. Haha.. I think I'm affected by the music I'm listening too right now-Chemical Brothers-The Devil Is In The Details. Sorry about that. I'm just overjoyed.

F.O

2011-08-19T06:28:00.000-07:00

It happen too many times.

Always thought that this time it would be different.

But i was wrong.

I was always wrong.

From the first time.

To blind to trust you.

To blinded by everything.

Shouldn't even went there.

Shouldn't bring the walls down.

Shouldn't even be doing all this.

I don't know how many of them felt this same way.

Or maybe I'm just the only one feeling this way.

You should never came by.

I should never let you in.

But everything just went by so fast.

I remembered how I feel.

I realize it didn't change,

I'm just used to how it feels.

Seeing through the fog made me realize how I still feel.

It's good to know.

I guess sometimes we need to get hurt to realize it.

Don't come back.

But if you do.

I won't let you in this time.

fdfhhggrea

2011-08-15T00:41:00.000-07:00

I won't let them take me there.

I'm so effing worried right now.

It's so wrong.

What the eff am I even doing?

Rachel, you need to grow up.

You're officially ruining your life.

This is just the first step.

Stop it,

don't kill yourself.

If you care about it then do something about it.

who will you be

2011-08-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

Kept going around in circles.

When will you pull me out of the merry go round?

I need a direction.

Bring me out and tell me that I'll be safe.

Tell me you'll be the one that will stop this from happening.

And make me believe you.

I want to believe it.

I want to have a hope in it.

I want to know that this is real and not a fairy tale.

When will you be in my life?

And who will you be?

That stranger I do not know.

That stranger that will change everything that's happening.

That stranger that will bring me down and bring me back.

That stranger that will make me hate you and love you.

Only time will tell.

when will you realize?

2011-08-04T07:27:00.001-07:00

Afraid to get closer again knowing one day you'll be gone again,

it happen too frequent that I fear it.

Telling myself it's over but I'm still scared.

Still holding that hope even though it would never happen.

Why are you so blind to even notice how I feel.

Or your faith is too small that you think it's impossible.

Yeah, I thought so too,

but it happen.

I'm trying to change it,

when my mind is made up,

I was ready to leave you came back.

You made me stayed and you were gone again.

I don't know what's really going on in that head of yours.

It made my heart warm when you were there close to me,

when you actually bothered to talk to me,

the things you did for me,

the way you cared for me.

But it hurts to see how you are out there,

thinking to myself what was I thinking.

But I still hold on.

Sometime it hurts so bad it's like someone squeezing your heart out.

But you didn't know.

Alex, you didn't know it's you.

hide

2011-07-13T04:48:00.000-07:00

I'm trying so hard to fit in.

I'm trying so hard not to fall.

I'm trying so hard to stay strong.

I'm trying so hard not to talk to myself.

I'm trying so hard to prove to everyone.

I'm trying so hard to not feel slow-witted.

I'm trying so hard not to say negative things about myself.

I'm trying so hard to smile sincerely.

I'm trying so hard to change.

I'm trying so hard to impress people.

I'm trying so hard to love myself.

I'm trying so hard to be perfect,

even though it's impossible.

I'm trying, I really am.

Please forgive me.

It's great to have that person beside you.

To hear you out, and actually listens and try to help.

If it's not real at least you did put on a good act.

I'll control you. Not the other way round.

2011-07-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

The time is coming.

it's so near,

I can even smell it,

It's calling out to me,

Telling me to get ready for it.

My mine is ready but my heart is not,

I'm not ready to face it,

Kept having what if in my mind,

Worry to have the same expectation and outcome.

That brings me down constantly,

Trying to psycho my mind,

Trying to be absolutely positive,

But in the end I doubt myself.

Jesus is with me,

I have to keep remembering that,

HE'll show me the way,

and lead me out of these maze,

and in the end I'll be out from it.

And it's all because of HIM.

Without Him I'm nothing,

Jesus is the way the truth and the life,

That I believe.

I can't wait to use that phrase to all the people who looked down at me.

I won't let those people who believed in me feel disappointed and have the thought of me not changing.

I'll get my trust back.

Celebrate?

2011-07-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy that Brooke Fraser song is on the radio :)

Really happy for her.

Can't wait for more of her <3

Really love her voice.

Her songs have different style to it.

I discovered her from hillsong united.

And I absolutely like her songs.

I hope her fans will also know hillsong from her.

And listen to their music and know Jesus.

hmm.

2011-06-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

Maybe I just don't fit to have one.
Or like one.
When they turn out to be all the same.
Ha.
Maybe that's the way they are.
Or maybe they just move on because of they way I think.
I know I'm a difficult person.
Ha.

Trust --> Gone.

2011-06-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

All this. I was at fault.

I wasn't mad.
Just hurt to know that that trust is gone.
But didn't know how to express.
Tears wasn't the answer.
Rachel kept scolding me if I cried.
I kept holding on.
She told me it's not worth it.
She kept calling me weak when tears filled up my eyes.
You should scold her not me.
But then again,
She was right anyway.

I guess too much excuse in the past has caused it.
I don't blame you.
But thanks for not believing in me.
More reason to prove.
I've change.
But you'll never get it.
I'm fine with that.
Because it's not important about what you think anymore.
It doesn't matters anymore.
I'm cool with that.

The reason I go to that path because I know what I'm good at and I wanna to work on it.
Only way I won't feel so useless.

She got nothing nice to say that's all.
All the things that came out from her mouth is just negative stuff.
If you realize.
She doesn't see the good in people.
Or maybe I have nothing good in me.
Or maybe just maybe,
She's a bitch.

I learn a new thing today.
You don't need to cut your wrist to feel better.
Cutting your hair is better.
It doesn't hurt.
And it will grow out sooner or later.
If you cut your wrist there will be a scar.

By the way before I end this,
You didn't owe me a living but trust.

..

2011-06-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

Went to Jakarta and Bali this holiday. How was it? Great, I guess. Pretty messed up feeling when I was there. Have lots of thoughts going in my head. Lots of it. Kept thinking kept dreaming. Looking outside the window. Felt like a ghost walking around. Ghost doesn't seem to be the right word. An empty shell would be better.

Walking around and when people turn and stare, Sometimes I wonder was it my hair? Or something wrong with me? But the answer was easy. One word. Insecure. Ya, I always am.

Walking around, looking around. All I see was unfamiliar faces. Some stared at me a few times so I looked at them in the eyes. And there was nothing.

Kept trying and hoping to get to know someone there. Maybe I was feeling insecure. I wanted to know someone and to be known.

Walking around laughing talking bullshyt. Saying all those random stuff and just keep laughing. She asked me was I okay. The truth is I wasn't. Laughter was the best medicine. I believe in that. It really help me to forget many things.

Of course you can only run. But you can't hide from it.

Holiday was great. It was really a great escape. But my troubles never really left. But it made me forget them once in awhile. But I would say going on a holiday was addictive. I wanted more. I wanted to go on to the next plane than home. Just kept going around and explore.

Stayed home to much. I needed to see the outside world. Know what's really going on there than only to imagine all the false image in my head.

Came back home. And here I am sitting on front of the computer. That's the only thing I know? Sometimes I wonder. I cant' go out. So I tried. I didn't use the computer and went to my room. I was blank. I got nothing to do. I didn't even feel like touching my guitar.

Feel so useless.

Whatever I was thinking about.

2011-05-25T03:38:00.000-07:00

The moment you thought that this is going to be something new, something different. But it never lasted. It always never lasted. It was always never the way we thought it would be.

Well, I don't know about you but that's I think.

My name is Rachel. I'm not tall. I'm not who I think I should be. I follow my feelings a lot. I'm emotional. I think I have split personality. I think I have depression. But usually when you think you have this and that actually you don't like they say a drunken would never say that they're drunk, So I guess I'm fine. I talk to myself often. I was told I could be a script writer. I want to be an actress. I love to act. Why do I love to act? Because I can be someone I'm not. I want to run away from me. But I can't so I try to be someone else. I'm good at it. I'm still in high school. I hate books, school books to be specific. I hate the fact I'm studying in the school I didn't want to be study in. I hate the fact that I'm doing the same routine again and again.

I hate the fact that I don't fight for what I want. I hate the fact that I lost hope on trying to fight for what I want. I hate the fact that I hold back my feelings. I hate the fact that I tell myself that I'm strong but I'm not. I hate the fact that I look up the sky and blink my eyes so that the tears wouldn't flow. I hate the fact that I take a deep breath and tell myself everything is going to be okay.

I hate the fact that I always imagine things that aren't real. I hate the fact that I convince myself that I'm a positive person.

I hate the fact that I'm starting to like you. I hate the fact that you're leaving. I hate the fact that you disappeared. I hate the fact that you didn't even say goodbye. I hate the fact that you went away. I hate the fact that you choose the other decision when you'll face the same consequences in the end. I hate the fact that you gave it a try. I hate the fact that I still hope that you remember what you promise me the other day. I hate the fact that you gave me hope. I hate the fact that I smile and jump when I see your name. I hate the fact that you didn't even say your last good night.

I hate...

I hate the fact that I hate so many things.

Wish you the worst.

2011-05-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

My body is awake but my mind is not.
My heart, my eyes are heavy.
Waking up in the morning wasn't something I wanted.
It's not something that I wish would happen.
I was back to reality.
I tried to sleep. Hoping I was asleep.
I closed my eyes. I wasn't here again.
In that dream. You were there.
It's kinda weird why you randomly appeared in my dreams.
I guess I'm thinking about you too much.

Waking up. Thinking about what happen.
Thinking about the same thing last night.
Couldn't sleep.
But in the end I still did.
I just want to sleep for the whole day.
But I didn't had the rights to do that.
I have to start studying.
Not something I like.
But I guess we can't always do what we like.
(laughs)

What happen between us.
I have no idea.
I just hope everything would end.
I guess.
Both of you.
Yeah.
I'm waiting for that moment I can turn to my friend and say,
"Hey I guess it's my turn to sing my song."
Ha.
Let's wait to find out.
I'll wait even if you don't.

It's going to be the "best" chapter of my life.

Eyes you don't dare to look into

2011-05-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

It was something I never expected.
But yes, I did hope.

But It was just at the back of my mind.
I tried to put that thought aside.

And yes, it happened.

The feeling of it was great.
But yet it hurts because I have to cherish every moment.
It hurts to know you can't do what you want anymore.
It hurts to know that this time you have to stop following your feelings.

I didn't dare to look nor think about it.
But it was hard not too.
It was hard to focus on whatever that was happening.

Trying to do every small little things.
Just holding a hope.
And yes it came again.
But it didn't lasted.

It's also good to know about the things that you were trying to figure out for days.
It made me smile and sigh at the same time.
Both feelings mixed up.
Yet you can't even use a word to describe it.

Making a decision you think you're so brave, so thoughtful.
But part of you kept trying to do something stupid.
Something to avoid feeling down.
But deep down you know that you will have to face the problems again.
So why not now than later?
Sigh.

Thank you. It felt great.

I won't.

2011-05-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know why God keep putting me in such situation.

Maybe because I have to learn from those mistake and change it.

Ya i know exactly what I'm going to do now.

But it's so hard to change it.

What the eff am I gonna do now?

I mean like seriously.

Why this again?

Urgh. But this time is different.

But I know it's not gonna end beautifully.

So I have to change it.

But it's so hard.

I guess I just need some time to think it over.

But I still have to stick to that decision.

I will. Eventually.

A story about a girl and a boy.

2011-05-16T06:47:00.000-07:00

People always say happy ever after. But do they really know what happen after that? Happy ending was just a start of something new.

Just one sentence and he just left her there. Alone. Waiting.

She waited for confirmation. She was confuse over everything. Wondering why all of the sudden he decided to just put this a break.

She had her pride. She waited for him to look for her. But he didn't.

She kept wanting to know what she did wrong. She tried to change hoping he would be back to love her like he used too.

Now wherever she went. Memories poured back into her mind. It hurts her badly. But she told herself to be strong and to hold on.

Everyday she hope she could see him. But he was never there.

She's still waiting for that moment he would come back to say how stupid he was. But part of her knew it was impossible.

She still counted the days they were together.

She wished this feeling would stop, but she love him too much. To the point it hurts.

She cries when something occurred her.

She blames herself again and again, and never blames him.

But, no matter how sad she was. She never hurt herself physically.
Which for me I thought was a good thing. No many girls would do that.
Seeing her like this at some point, I felt her pain. For some reason I just did.

She thinks he's probably avoiding all this.

He looks normal on the outside but is he in the inside?

He laughs everyday and talk bullshyt but is he really over it.

Probably he is or he wouldn't even did what he did at the start.

But does she knows what was he up to?

Does she knows he's talking to another girl? Does she know what he tells her?

If she does. I will feel even bad for her. But she should move on. That's the only way. After all he's not the type of guy she needs.

He's not that good after all but she needed him.

Girl, if he left you once he could left you twice.

Give it up.

Hmmm..

2011-05-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

So I heard that they're gonna make a sequels for Percy Jackson. Heard this news for quite some time already. Couldn't find any auditions, nothing. I don't have an agent or anything else. Couldn't contact, Google doesn't seem to offer a good answer. Hmm..

Feeling disappointed about it, because I heard they already have their cast. I was really thinking about the role Thalia. But they have not confirm about it, so I guess I still do have a chance. I ain't giving up on it! :)

I just really hope someone or something will just show up and give me an answer. I know I should be searching for them, I mean who would know who am I, but I really can't find a thing! Plus, the location I am now, hard. I just really am desperate for it. I love this novel and really do want to be part of it.

I'll just trust in the Lord. Have faith and believe. :)

Rachel.

whatever comes to mind

2011-05-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, just gonna type whatever comes to mind.

I love Norah Jones. She's so awesome! I love her voice. Ahh.. Her song are just.Ahh.. Haha..

Discovered a new band. Name: Angus and Julia stone. Beautiful. Why don't I know anyone with voice like that? The girl's voice is unique too. :) You guys have to so check them out! XD

Sad thing I can only listen to them on the computer.

My wish list. I want an Ipod touch!!

I lost my mood o type my blog post. But since I'm half way here why not right?

Mid year exams. zzz.. The problem with me. I guess I don't always use my brain that much to the fact that I"m studying and sleeping really late at night makes me very exhausted.

I really can't wait for the holidays to come. But it seems so far away! :(

It's been awhile since I wrote about heart breaks and all those bull shyt haha.. Well, I don't think I'll be writing stuff like this soon. My life has been really dull. I'm painting colors into it so I guess my future would be a lot interesting haha..

Acting. When will be the day? I'm so excited.

I wanna learn the piano.

I wanna learn parkour.

I wanna learn skateboarding.

I wanna learn...........................................

So many things. Yet I'm not interested on my studies :D (hmm.. I shouldn't be proud of that) Ha.

I'll be honest with you the next time.

I wanna meet Logan Lerman.

I wanna buy another converse shoe.

Maybe I should check out Vans. They're beautiful.

I wanna cut my hair and feel that excitement.

Kings of leons. Caleb followill voice is so sexay. haha..

Facebook. What was I doing when it didn't exist? I don't remember.

I love drawing on my hand. It gets addicted. At first I wrote on it because I'm forgetful. It's my paper. My to do list since my hand phone is so 'high tech' it doesn't have stuff like that. But I'm afraid to get skin cancer :/ haha..

I'm thinking of supper. Hmm...

Hillsong is nice too. Awesome music.

I love Jesus XD

Hmm.. So logan's twitter is real. I wish he would update more often X( haha..

Malay test up next! Grrrr....

I have to start exercising.

Okay, gotta stop Shan is calling me to watch the gates. tehee..

You guys take care alright? <3 xoxo

Who are you?

2011-04-25T04:14:00.000-07:00

You're a stranger.
Yet you kept approaching me.
You kept calling me.
You make me someone I'm not.
You make me feel like I didn't do anything wrong.
You blur my vision.
You ask me to do stupid things that I shouldn't do.
You change me at that split second.

I really don't know you.
I kept asking you to leave.
I kept crying.
I kept running.
I kept cursing you.
I told you to shut your mouth.
I told to stop asking me to cut my wrist.
I told you to get out.

Yet you never reply.

I sat there.
I was blank.
I felt like I was staring into space.
I felt like I wasn't me.
I felt like you're trying to kill me.
I felt like you're a devil.

I keep calling Jesus.
I was crying.
I keep talking to him.
I was asking Him to help me.
I felt safe.
I told him I was sorry for not controlling.
I felt His presence.
I kept speaking in tongue.
I told Him that I love him.

You were gone.
You weren't there.
You know you'll be back.

I'll shall tell you.

Rachel.

Stop it.
Stop trying to do that.
Stay away from me.
I don't need your bullshit.
Stay out.

My another half.

Stop it.

I need a medicine.

2011-04-18T05:03:00.001-07:00

Okay a post of frustration. Ha.

Today just isn't my day. F*cked up actually.

I knew something was coming. I sense it. No wonder I felt so darn tired and down.

Whole day is like problems to problems just keeps coming. It's like people trowing stones at you at once and you can't avoid not even one of it.

I tried my best to solve it. Hard shyt. But I kept praying talking to God to help me through. I guess that's why I love being alone. I get to talk to God at the time.

Walking alone speaking in tongues but kinda afraid walking pass people, they would think somethings wrong with me. But I just continue with it.

Coming back home, having a headache which was already been there the whole day just trying my best to ignore it. I fell asleep on the living room floor for an hour. Woke up went for tea break and came back.

Decided to watch Percy Jackson. Watching him made me feel better. Soothe me down. I needed him. Which was sick to the core. Ha. Watch and exercise. Ahh.. I feel much better. But not for long.

After cycling for eighty minutes. The movie wasn't done. So I sat there to finished it. Someone calls me and say whowho wants to watch her show. But hey it's not time yet HELLO!~ silents. ahh... continue watching. But it didn't last long. Boom. I had enough of all the nonsense. I change the channel and went up. F it.

Seriously! We have 3 televisions in the house. Okay let's count it two. Since you can't use the other one. What's wrong watching with the other tv?! Ohh is it too small or what huh?? Can't you see I'm watching mine. When I'm done you can watch yours alright?

Then something made it worse. The whowho actually didn't mind watching with that tv. It's the whowhowho who suggested no you should go down and watch. Urgh! I don't like watching things half way. Oh I get it I watched it more than once but it's different! I hate it!

My day is getting worse alright?! I feel awful. I feel like things isn't working hard no matter how hard I tried. I did my best but.. Still there wasn't any good thing in it. I had enough. I'm tired of this. I'm good in a lot of things but not this. Just let me go for want I can do than this. I'm tired. And I hate wasting my time on something that doesn't have progress. Urgh.. Please. Or I'm gonna blow.

There's no cliff for me to jump to feel better. There's no private place where I can go to let everything out. Place where only I know. There's no pool for me to jump in and feel like I'm drowning to feel better. There's no place for me to just shout and let everything out.

All I have is my cluttered room with no privacy. But yet I could tear there. And cry like a freaking big baby. Yes. I admit I'm weak in the inside. But we all have that right? Just that our tolerant levels are different.

I'm sure mine are stronger than yours because I hide things to myself for a long time yet I could still laugh like nothings wrong. Or am I just a better actor than you are? Or am I a better runner than you. I can run away from things longer.

But we're still human in the end. We get tired and the troubles still chase after you. And there you are again. Down. That's life. I'll get used to it.

Arcade fire actually sounds nice.

2011-03-26T22:59:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. How about a blog post? HA..

Nothing new lately. Just the same as always.

Listening to arcade fire. They're interesting ha.

I can't wait for 3M, so gonna watch it. But it'll be a long wait :( seven months..

I feel like puking. seriously. I think it's the air. Urgh.. Not feeling good. I really need to puke...

Sorry for the randomness I just type out whatever comes. I'm just bored. Home alone. Ha. Waiting for my family to be back from kl..

Ah yes.. Hmm.. Well, I don't mind if you don't wanna be friends with me. I clearly don't know what's your problem but I can't be bothered. Anyway, I don't mind living my life without you. Because you didn't make a different in my life.

The feeling of kneeling in front of the toilet bowl and waiting to puke isn't easy. Ha.. At least it's out. It feels disgusting. Ha. But it's not like my first time puking. Ha. The weird part was I puke out food I don't remember eating. Now that's disgusting. Why am I talking bout my vomit anyway? Skip.

Coachella. April 15-17. Aww.. So wanna go. I bet they will have awesome music going on there. And I'm gonna miss it :( Who wanna sponsor me to go to California? Ha. If only. But nothing is impossible eh? Tehee..

Can't wait for our performance. Really hope we are able to make it happen ;D

Dumm ta tak dum tak dum tak.. HA.. Arcade fire-The suburbs. Nice song.

I wanna act! Acting is something I'm sure I wanna go for. It's something I dream of. Not since a kid. Well, it always cross my mind but I never really thought of it. But now I'm sure of it. I'm sure this is what I want. Just gotta wait for the right time. <3

Still feel like pucking. argh..

Anyway, Peace out. GBU. <3

Bring me somewhere.

2011-03-12T23:25:00.000-08:00

Urgh.. I need inspiration.

I need to improve on my photography skills.

I wouldn't say I'm a bad photographer but I just think I can do better. I want to be better. It's like it's just not good enough. Something is just missing.

I guess I need to be a lot more creative? I feel like it's so normal.

Yea, That's the word. Creative.

But I wouldn't force myself just gotta upgrade on my skills.

Just see where my weird mind and thinking will bring me. Ha.

Ahhh...

2011-03-09T03:19:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. Something struck me today.

I always wanted to play the role Rachel Elizabeth Dare in Percy Jackson. Ya I know you'll be like "HA! you gotta be kidding me." "Impossible blah blah blah.." But I'm serious and I believe I have the chance.
Anyway, Even before I read the book. I went to Wikipedia to check it out. I guess what caught me was the name? Because my name is Rachel? Ya partly. When I bought the book, read it. I love her. She doesn't hide much, she say what she wants, but she always avoids about her family topic. She brave and strong in her own way. She has a energetic and cute personality. I think it's a interesting role to play. But the problem is I don't have green eyes and I'm not a red-headed. Hmm.. Make up? Contacts? Hmm..

I was also interested in Thalia grace. She's cool girl. haha.. Well, I do have black hair. My hair isn't that long, I don't mind cutting it for the role.

What struck me was.. Why not give Thalia a try? I mean, if this pass it will just pass. If you can't make it at least you can still give Rachel a try. Maybe you will get the role Thalia and not Rachel. At least you never lose that chance. If I just wait for Rachel audition maybe I might not pass and I get nothing. I wouldn't mind getting either one. Though Rachel would be my first choice.. tehee..

I have been trying to find the audition but it seems so impossible. Everybody has their own answer which made me puzzled.

I guess I just gotta keep praying and hope.. :)
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Today was great. teacher switch my seat, I'm sitting next to my friend which was a good thing. Now we can discuss our homework or anything that we don't understand in class. :D But I'm reading Percy Jackson the last Olympians again haha.. It's so tempting I just wanna keep reading it non stop. Which made my friend jokingly say " I'm gonna burn that book if you don't put it away" haha.. Can't help it! >< She's gets bored in class and hoping that I would chat with her, but the book is really making shut my mouth haha.. I love it! XD

I started making my dream board. All the things I want. I guess when you make a goal you will be more motivated in it. :)
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Ah.. Friday got some shooting for the school magazine. I don't think it's the front cover but it's okay. I don't really want it to be at the front cover anyway haha.. So there 5 of us going to take our photo. :)

Teacher selected me to go for some computer wallpaper contest which I don't even know everything on how to do it.. >< But I'll just give it a try :)

Can't wait for Saturday. When we're going to paint our classroom! :D With my design. :D :D Well, It was second best. The first one they didn't have faith that it would work out.. :( haha..
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2011-03-05T05:53:00.000-08:00

Having computer class now.. Having this miserable flu that is making me really sick..Breathing in cold air and breathing out hot air . Not to mention ear block, that is affecting me..

Finally exams are over and I'm very elated about that ha.. Well,Planning on watching some Japanese movie with Shan tonight She calls it erika's movie cause the actress looks like her. Probably because of the hair.And I can't wait to watch "My one and only" today. Hopefully there will be time for that tehee.. I'm really crazy over him. So wrong. I don't even know him. But hey, he's a good actor ha.. Can't wait for holiday.. ha..

Going to regin's house to stay for five days. Pretty long. That's a good thing. But well, I'm going to miss the food in Penang and the beach, but I don't think they're going to the beach though. But it's okay I guess. We started planning on what we're going to do. So, pretty awesome I must say hehe.. Maybe record our song. Need lots of practice though.. Later going to switch our class again.. Going up to the fourth floor.. Urgh.. So tiring, like I'm not weak enough.. Ha.. So much for saying how strong I am. Lol.. That's how I got my flu. By driking a sick man's tea. Hey it's not that disgusting. It's just my dad ha. He warned me that he's sick. I just took the risk and him told I'm strong enough. "Strong" Haha..

I'm reading "Battle of the labyrinth" the fourth book of Percy Jackson again. Additive? Y.E.S. and also to kill my boredom in class. I regret not bringing it to computer class. It would be perfect. Going to another world of Greek God's and half bloods adventure. Sounds like some children's story book to be honest. But hey, you haven't read it, that's why. I really hope they're going to make the second movie.
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Back home. And it's a Saturday already. Yes. I did watch "My one and only" yesterday haha.. It seems a lot nicer after watching it the second time. Anyway, Yup yesterday was exhausting, because was playing basketball.. But it was fun..

Today, I don't know. Bored and fun at the same time? Hmm.. haha..

I'm still having "fever" LOL.. No kidding. It's very serious. I'm shocked myself haha.. I don't think I'm going to heal that fast, or maybe I will never will! But it's okay, I like it this way. Haha.. At least he's makes my day. Makes me smile and ready to face everyday. I'm laughing and smiling everyday for no reason. Guess it's because of him. What? Ha..
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Time to post my blog post haha.. Don't know why did I save it in my draft @@ anyway yup.. Anyway just really happy that they're continuing the sequel of PJO :D!

Linger.

2011-02-10T02:45:00.000-08:00

I bought a novel called Linger. It's the second book. The first one is called Shiver. For some reason it just caught my eye. Once you read it, you wouldn't stop. It was written in a form where you would be in another world. Their world. Everything around you just seems to be invincible. the noise around you seems to gone down. It's like time just stops.

Sam is the main guy in the story, but the more I read I tend to like Cole better. Something about his character seems attractive ha. But oh well, it's just a story of people who doesn't exist. The way he was describe, his face, just seem too perfect to imagine ha.. Grace is the main character, I can't really link to her the way I could link to Isabel. As in when she describe her feeling, I could imagine it but not feel it, for Isabel I could. It's like I could feel it. My eyebrows would go closer together, so am I to my book, when I read I wouldn't notice till I was back to reality.. It's pretty interesting.. Ha..

After reading they way the describe. The way they say about their thoughts, I seem to start making words in my head. Which felt more like lyrics. Ha. I tend to talk to myself through my thoughts. Seems Kinda insane? But hey at least I'm saying it out loud. Ha..

School reopen this week. It's my 4th day, since my holiday. It sort of rhymes ha.

Chinese New Year was pretty awesome. I wore a dress. Ha. Yes a dress. NO kidding. Just to let you confirm. I'll say it again. I wore a dress for CNY this year. Ha. I kinda regretted it because I spent more cash than I should. And I'm studying accounts. Wow. How smart can I get? Ha. and I dint have any extra for new year shoe. Ish. Thank god CNY is held in my house haha.. Over all it was fun and enjoyable. And we had crab for supper! *Gasps* Awesome. awesome. I love crab. Ha. Like I was saying.. we ate Indian food on our first day of CNY kinda weird though haha.. And this year 2011 we celebrate with our new member in our family. Della. She's so adorable. I just wanna pinch her face so badly haha.. She's a beauty.

Time seems to pass so fast that week, didn't like that fact. Ha.

On Saturday, I washed my school shoe. Ya I'm serious. Ha. It's like a big miracle! ha.. But I still don't like it, it's white. white. Ish. Ha.. On that same day, I went to Uriah's house for CNY party, one word to describe- Awkward. Well, meeting Uriah and Melvin wasn't as awkward than meeting praveen. I guess because it's been 4, 5 years since we met? Ha. At the dinner table was even weirder haha. Well, I perform one song for them. Sugar town. My voice was bad. *sobs* shocking that I actually have the guts to sing it haha..

Today.
Thursday.
I can't wait for saturday.
Can time get any faster?
It feels like it's going to be awesome.

letter 003?

2011-01-29T06:44:00.000-08:00

I don't know why but I just feel attach to you no matter what. I really miss you. It sounds kinda sick but true. I never like you in that way. But I always have this protective feeling over you. But I know everything is in the past now. Yet I keep wishing that I can get everything back.

I don't know why but the things you do for me seems to always come into my head. All the things we chat. All the stupid silly conversation. Come to think about it, it's really funny that I actually went crazy with you and be stupid. Ha. But I know I can't get it back anymore. Now all it's left is a beautiful yet painful memories.

Will I get over it? I have no idea. I'm scared. I don't know what you think of me right now. Sometimes I wish you would tell me but I guess it's impossible? Whenever my stomach feels unwell, it always reminds me about you, about what you did for me. I don't think anyone would do that for me now. Right now I just gotta wait till that weird unwell feeling to fade. I delete all the message not only yours but everyones'. Because I have to sell my phone. But even though it's gone, I still remember it clearly in my head.

I don't know why I treat you so different from others. At the start I did that because I was afraid to hurt you, but as time pass I got used to you and treated you the way I feel like but not because of any other things. Sometimes I think to myself what the heck am I doing? But I never stop what I was doing, till I start to realize I shouldn't. I'm just too selfish. That's why I told you everything. I know for sure I did hurt you though you say it's okay and put a smiley. Whenever I see that smiley I tend to think of you, I guess because you're the one who always puts that type.

After everything I said, you gave me a message that really made me regret what I did. But I know what I did was right. At that moment it was like a cut in my heart but right now all it's left is a scar. But yet it's like you still have a place in my heart. Whenever I know about your news and stuff, I tend to feel jealous and protective, but I can't do anything. Because it's your choice and at the start it was my choice to drew a line. So I guess right now I won't be able to get back all the things we had but what's the point getting it back when it would be a cycle again? So I guess everything will have it's ending. And there is no happy ending bacause This is reality.

...

2010-12-26T10:23:00.000-08:00

Randomly putting pictures..

change.

2010-12-22T06:14:00.000-08:00

Okay I gotta admit it's been awhile since a last blog. But feels like way too long. Felt like some post are missing. Just realize I never blog since Dec. It's like way too long hahaha.. Well, I was busy since 1st of Dec. Because went for filming. :D :D tehee.. Very glad about it. Though it's just a very small role. But I have learn new things not only just about the acting things. ;) so anyway,

Always dream and wondered how acting would be like. Well, last year I have experience it. It was tired. haha. exhausting, especially the waiting time. haha.. Well, I didn't just learn and know about how filming things are. But others too.
Since now I know how acting are, my dad told me now you know how acting is huh? tiring eh? Yup I gotta agree to that, but I don't mind going for others guess cause the interest is there? yup partly.

This year. New start. Everything new. Of course keep the good ones and make it even better. Ha.
2011. Class S1C3. No.22. Ha. Sitting beside limin. Thank God for her, I don't feel so bored any more. Awesomeness. Haha. We would just laugh non stop. It made my day in class more interesting not so bored anymore. Never know maybe by end of this year I would slim down after all the laughing haha. Finger cross!

Speechless suddenly. Mind blank. Ha. Don't really have the mood to write. But this post I kept saving and keeping it in the draft. I wanna make sure I post it today.

Well, just hope this year would be a good awesome year. Change. I will make it happen.

I.B.P.A.W.F.Y.T.M.T.F.M

2010-11-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

-I did't feel sad or disappointed. Till now I still think you're just lying. Maybe you just don't think you should. What's holding you back? Fear? I don't know do you know. But I still do. I really do. But I don't know do you realize that. The things you say makes me speechless. But I'm still cool inside out. I don't know why I did it. But I think maybe I'm just not afraid of anything anymore. I just do what I want. Not thinking what will happen next. Yea I do regret a little. But it turn out fine after that. I just don't think this would happen. I just think everything is just a lie. Maybe you're just looking for what you need. You're still searching for it. You still haven't found it. But it's just here. But you know just by thinking about it again makes it feel so real at the same time. So what's next?-

Will you come with me?

2010-11-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

I need A holiday. Like a real one.
Where I can pack my bags and go.
I'm tired of here.
Tired of staying home. Playing the guitar. Going online. Going to air condition places. Going for movies.
I need something new. I'm sick and tired. I can't laugh. Cause I'm alone.
I want to go somewhere fresh and new.
I can't wait to use my new camera.
Let's go somewhere.
Who's with me?
But I don't think there's anywhere I can go without enough cash.
I'm bored. To the core.
I'm weak. I thought I was strong. What happen?
I need help. Drugs? Nah just kidding. Not that dumb.
I wanna smell the fresh air on the other side of the earth.
I need to keep myself busy and stop thinking of what if. But make it happen.
I knew I sense something wrong. Ha. Anyway. My dreams are near.
There stuff that happen that makes me wanna quit.
But I'm sure I can do it. I don't easily give up.
So watch me. Let the game begin. Regin get ready. Wear your helmet. We're off.
♥Rachel.

Blablablablabla

2010-11-10T01:40:00.000-08:00

My body is aching but I got the mood to type things out so yup...

Ahem(Clearing throat)

Regin. Type yours soon. Muaks.

Isaac: Just by giving you tissue we became such close friends. How did it happen? act熟 rite? haha.. You next year different stream with me already. good luck. thank you for always being there when I need you :) Sorry sometimes I treat you quite rude. But you sometimes really irritating! hahah.. But After that always forgive you haha.. I forgot to pass you your letter till now. Will pass it to you tomorrow. Be happy and Jia you :)

Jacky!: Hey! haha.. Knew you since I was 8! haha.. I don't really remember what we did or talk but I remember we were pretty close but then after that we didnt talk till last year. When we went back to foon yew 2. Children day, haha remember the puppy? tehee.. then we didn't talk again till this year. Suddenly went outing together. then our switch kinda on already. We watch resident evil kept talking in the cinema laughing like crazy ppl. Aft that do some idiotic video haha.. I like that day a lot :) when PMR time we started practicing "kiss me" song with regin. vocal+guitar+beatbox. wow. haha.. Going to meet up on Dec rite? Video our song and on our switch yae? tehee.. Oovoo!! haha.. First time we all keep laughing so weird webcaming after tat we got used to it. haha.. Anyway good luck next year! Hope you will have pretty teeth soon! ;)

Ningling: Hey most of the stuff all written in that letter already. You're studying accounts too right? :):) hehe.. If there's any church event I will call you for sure;) haha.. We might not be close but when we meet each other we starting talking bout our stuff wow haha.. I will remember all this. GTG leader. acha acha fighting! :):)

ShengQ: Hey man.. things are weird right now. Maybe it was me? I'm really sorry. I don't know why am I apologizing but I just felt like I need too. We used to text a lot. But that day when I saw you, I felt like we're strangers again. Like back to last year. You just looked at the floor and told me to give way. I don't know what happen. Kay maybe after that thing. But yea.. To be honest I'm not liking it. It's like WTF? But if this is your decision I will respect it. Thank you. That's all I can say. For everything. Your letter. I will keep it. You do have a very nice writing to be honest always wanted to tell you that. Ha. Keep it up I know you can do it. You're smart. I will give you the fried rice next year. I won't break my promise. So I'll see you soon? :)

ShengJ: YO lil' bro keep it up I know you can do it. :):) Hope your english will improve. Don't just say how smart and good you are but I wanna see some action yae? Hopefully when I see you again you will be daring enough to speak english with me. lols.. Like I said yesterday hope you will be even cute, handsome and MATURE SOon. Haha.. Cheers! ;D

Kaiwen: Iron man!! haha I will never forgot that look on your face when you were watching movie and saw scarlett johansson (iron man girl) lols.. tak boleh tahan haha.. Haiyo next year sure very weird without you. haha.. Though sometime you can be one real irritating person haha.. You ah must update me okay? haha.. That time I was so bored I could die thanks for calling to chat lols.. tehee.. suddenly thought of something hehe.. Can't say here hehe.. Anyway go out soon yae? haha.. Im gonna make sure your switch must on!! tehee.. All the digi thing and don't know what receipt you cut out I kept all and stick in my book :) tehee. They can be rubbish to people but not for me :) tehee learn your guitar soon ah! :P

Ivan: Oi Navi tehee.. Smile more tehee.. Going to on your switch soon! :P (-_^) haha.. Your voice change le haha.. Wohoo someone gonna be star soon eh? :O haha.. You can do it tehee.. You support me, I support you :) How we know each other? umm.. I don't really remember @@ umm.. Just talk right? haha.. That day watch that horror movie you didn't succeed to scare me haha.. Too bad :P haha.. Go out soon yae? Four of us again ;) tehee.. Umm. see when bah.. Got mission okay? Nail polish!! lols... Oi you 传染 to me liao :( haha.. Neh mind lah hehe.. Few days later should be healthy again hehe.. Anway good luck and always remember to pray! :):)

Ah boy: Grow taller! Meet any new girl before you do anything must tell mummy okay. It's not a request it's an order hehe.. Take care okay. Will buy you chocolate milk soon yae? :) I'll find your dad soon. Give me few more years. lols.. Study hard kay! Don't have short temper not good. Anything just text me :)

My girl

2010-11-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

Cynthia.
I almost teared when I read your letter. It's okay that it's messy. It always happen right? :) mine is the same too. lol.. It's really crazy that we can be so close so fast. So nice. I'm so gonna miss you. I will keep that power point. Pinky promise. :) There's so many to type out. There are things I don't need to say I'm sure you know what's gonna come out from my mouth.
Sigh.. Time really flies. Babe, Stay strong. We're gonna separate but doesn't mean we won't meet again right? :) Next year prepare A4 papers in your bag okay? ;) when we think of each other take out that white blank of paper and filled it up with our classic writing lols.. and exchange it soon ;)
Ohh.. So gonna miss u. But hey we gonna have lots of fun soon yae? haha.. Tomorrow gonna meet up already. and we got our ten days thing. wow. We are gonna have a blast alright? I know you need me haha so thick skin to say that. But that's what you told me eh? Ohh.. ahha.. I will be there for sure. For you I can do it.
Hey our promise. Must always keep it in mind okay? Everything must tell each other okay? Tehee.. And our movie dates. Breaking Dawn, Percy Jackson. :) 3 of us. Like last time alright? and go Regin's place. Soak ourselves in the pool and chit chat. But let's not go to that toilet again. So spooky. I rmb tat i was trying to pretend that I'm not freaking out, afraid if I freak out you guys will freak out even more. End up trying to ask regin to continue her story and get distracted lols.. Oh.. This is one of our nice memories.
They're more like our table thing, writing to each other, sleeping in class together, laughing together in class. Sitting beside you is a bless, whenever I feel sad or hungry I'll always write it on your table. I didn't need to wait for recess to spit out my feelings. Cause your there by my side like literally beside me lols. You'll always lie down on my shoulder and always nearly fall down and grab the table and laugh to each other. I will keep it. But won't miss it.. Cause there gonna be even more nicer greater things ahead of us babe. Kl.La. :) So don't feel emo or sad. Smile. You glow when you smile. Keep that in mind. Love you. Muaks.

Rachel.

Wrong or right?

2010-10-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Just trying to do something right. I kept thinking if I don't I'm gonna mess things up after that. So I decided yea I should do something about this. It's time. Since my vision was cleared. When you left that few hours. I wasn't confuse anymore like my feelings, I was sure how I felt at that moment. I made up my mind at that time. I was sure. So yeah I did. Didn't felt any regret or worry at all. But after the result I felt did like I something wrong when it's suppose to right. But it's no point regretting everything when it's done. Like they said no point crying split milk. But I still feel so bothered like something is not done. But there's nothing. I just kept blaming myself on everything. Just wish I wouldn't. But my heart feel so heavy. I can't breath properly. Fish this. Really. Gosh.. I need to go somewhere I shout out loud. Ya that's all I have to say. What are you doing huh? :/

Hahaha and hahaha.

2010-10-07T22:57:00.000-07:00

I love laughing with all ya guys, so much fun. We can laugh non stop but honestly if you think about it again it wasn't really funny why did we laugh anyway? haha.. But i love the feeling. When you laugh your mind is blank if you realize. When we laugh we look at each others faces not thinking about who's around us. When we try to control, we all sat in silents trying not to look at each other. But it felt weird. No more laughter but silents. But the silent never lasted. we begin to laugh again. There's nothing wrong with us we're just happy. I wish I could just keep on laughing. That's the only way you will stop thinking about all those weird stuff. I want drug. Laughter drug. Don't worry Isaac I won't eat you. :) Maybe I will :O just gimme those pills or your dead. Ha. Really wish to spent more amazing crazy insane days with all of you everyday. :) Peace out.

Just some pictures.

2010-10-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

dumdumdum the drums go dumdumdum..

2010-09-25T04:21:00.000-07:00

It's.. Oh Saturday. Ha. I'm well.. Sitting front of the computer. Obviously. Ha. Things been well.. Dull.. Boring. Sucks. Well, only one thing for sure I'm awake from it. I'm really awake from it. What was thinking? ha. Anyways.. It's over. :(:) ha. Now I feel like how he feels, ______. Yup, that's the word. I feel dead. Gloomy. For no reason. I thought I should happy. Ha. Well, i guess not.

Mum always say she's a useless mother. Always blaming herself. Well, she don't that so often anymore. But for sure I know she's wrong. I'm the useless one. Ha. I failed being good child. I always think as long you show them and give love that would enough. But of course which parent wouldn't wanna see their child having good grades good result. Flying colors. Ya those they're bullshit to me. What does those number or grades means huh? Are they really that smart? Ha for sure they have good memory. Ya I know I sound like an idiot. You're probably thinking "oh gosh this child she doesn't know what she's saying?" or maybe "sigh.. Rachel what are you thinking eh? " blablablablabala... You know just let me say what want, this my blog you a*#.... never mind will skip that.. Sigh.. Sorry mum, I know it's been years since I brought back good results for you guys. Um.. How long was that.. I can't even do the math.. Oh ya 7 years ago ha. That's way shit. I'm sorry. I failed. But what the use saying it's not like I'm going change right? Ha. Hate me. Ha I bet you can't do that. I'm a child of Bs. Child who make your head dizzy. A child who never say good things. Well hey that's just me that my way joking I'm sure you that. I'm GL and sarcastic. Oh yeah~ Like it babay~ Laugh... Laugh Laugh just laugh you idiot. Whoever you are.

I'm not good at lot things. I'm just average. I went for running competition and never got back a medal. My guitar skills is not going anywhere. My result. Let's skip that. What else.. OH sorry dad i know you told me to always good things. Okay fine I'm amazing. I'm beautiful. I'm smart. I'm talented. Ha. oops. I just lied. I just sinned. Sorry. Forgive me? haahahahaha.. I'm sick in the head. Shot me ha. No I don't mean it. Just a joke. Shut up..

Ahh.. I feel so better now. Signing off! Bye peeps. Have a great weekend. I know you will ;)

Blablabla

2010-08-30T02:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you think you got it right but nah. You didn't. Sometimes you just go over the limits. too much confidence. You didn't control. Sometimes you think he wouldn't notice. But you can be wrong at times. Maybe you're back to round one again. Everything is back to round one. Hmm..That's pretty bad eh? Ha. sometimes you just have to listen to that little voice inside of you or you might make things happen which you didn't want to. But who is to blame? No one. But you. You could avoid it but you choose not too. Greedy. Would be the word. You wanted more thats why. But it's okay just learn from you mistakes. Though you're just a small role in it. But come to think about it it's pretty big. You realize that this morning already. It's okay even he didn't realize that.But he will soon. He's just slow. Ha. Now, make him realize. That's all I have to say ;)

Change is hard? hmm..

2010-08-22T04:51:00.000-07:00

Ah.. It's a different Sunday for me. Didn't have that smile on my face when I woke up. The feeling that makes you go "Oh well.. Looks like a I fell asleep again ha." Miss it a lot. Everything. How lame can _ get sometimes. Just think you probably think when would this end. But I was selfish just wanna let it go on, only way to have that real sincere smile on my face. Going to school with joy. But when you reach school. Things are different. I wonder why. But you have friends around you to make you forget about it and just go bananas!

Hmm.. It's a almost everyday thing i realize. But i stopped. I guess it's time to stop all this. I mean I forgot my limits. I gotta stop. So I did. But sometimes just couldn't control. All of the sudden when you think you got it right, end up you're wrong. Now that's just weird. Hmm... But thank god i wasn't as crazy as before. I've change. I like that. Feel like myself again.

Blabla and blabla

2010-07-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

sHabai. everyone is laughing when I say that. Can't help it I just cannot not pronounce it without the whole h thing kae? ha.

Few weeks ago brought guitar to school stayed back to play. Isaac and Regin. 3 of us. Had a fun time. When we're almost going off. We chat for a while. Then they were joking bout the "sHabai" word again. so I just played along. Ya and drop isaac's water bottle. Ya real shabai.

-Met. Turn. Change. Speechless.-

Tuesday. GTG came to my house. Fun great time. Very exhausting. Arg. Slept at 12.30am. Woke up at 2.30am.Till the whole day. Such sacrifice for yimai. Ha. Felt like a zombie the whole day. And cause of something else too. Ouch. That's the word.

Wednesday. Slept at 1 something. Woke up at 5.30am. Arg. Zombie feeling again. Worst. Trying to keep myself awake. Plus what happen just couldn't get over it. I didn't talk much. Just wanted to sit down quietly and day dream. And forget about everything.

Thursday. same thing.

Friday. Slept at 1 again. Arg. studied for my chinese. I know how to do. But I cannot remember. fed up with myself. arg. Anyway fell asleep on pmr class. Couldn't wake up.

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Everything just sucks every shitty things. Argh. Can't believe it. Why? Kay i know it's back to me again. My fault. Yea. I can't deny that. But I just.. Argh... But you didn't have to do that at all seriously.

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Hmm... Took you so long to finally do that. ha. Yae. Things are all back to normal After a few weeks. Thank God. =)=) .. But yes. I know. I know. Noted. I know my limits. ;) Thanks guys for being there for me love ya all. :)

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Had an enjoyment time on monday eveything is just GOOD! haha. We should go and take photo together again guys! You guys just make me look like an idoit. =( especially Isaac. Arg.. haah..

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And some updates:1.Went for planetshakers concert! lml!
2.Took photos for society stuff. Model: My sis-Shannon.

Nothing.

2010-07-08T01:12:00.000-07:00

I promise kaiwen just one more month. And I will try to let go everything. But the thought of it hurts me. I don't want to let this go. After what I been through. No. I can't. But I will try. We were just discussing about why I have feelings for you. I still haven't got the answer. Kaiwen say that's just one "magical" thing about love. Agree. You just like that person. No reason to it. It just happens. Well for you, you got nothing for me to like about. But I just did. You're just.. Nothing.

★

2010-07-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

Unpredictable. It made me smile. I was glad. Maybe it will remain just like this. But it's enough for me. Though I want more. But it's okay. I won't ask much. But it's time to hold back. I don't want to always be the one. Not right. It's your turn. Nah. That won't happen. That was just the pass. I don't think you will now. I'm the one thinking of someone who won't think of me. We don't think or feel the same. But thanks. It made my day. I feel better now. I ain't moving till you do. So I guess I will just remain here★

If it doesn't break your heart, it's not enough. yet.

2010-07-02T04:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is parent day. Darn. That's bad rite. Argh. Sad case. No idea what's gonna happen though. Hope my mum won't faint and fall from her sit. Ha.

No meaning to it. I didn't want to.. I don't know why. Maybe I was waiting for you to do it first. But you didn't. So I just held back. Nothing wrong with that. But I always regret when I walk away. But it's done. I miss everything. I hate this..

What?♥

2010-06-29T03:53:00.000-07:00

Done. It is done. I've done it. Not sure why. But I just felt like it. What have the world become? I wonder. And all you could say is nothing what. But It's a relieved. I feel.. nah I can't say I feel good. I feel rather.. Empty? I want to change it-everything. I want to go back to how it was. When i didn't know you that well. I should have continue to avoid you but I choose not to. Now this is what that have become. You knew about it all along. We both played dumb. Like I didn't know that you know. So did you. I told myself to stay away cause if I don't , I know what will happen next. But I hold on a hope. You were good to me. Why did you? Is it cause of that same statement? About hurt? Ya this is worst. I'm not blaming you I just want to know why. Or did I got it right? It gave me hope. I thought you should avoid me to make sure things won't be.. Ya you know. But you're always thinking about what if it hurts me. Now for sure. But before that I'm sure it wouldn't be that bad. And I know I wouldn't look for you. I'm sure there will be a full stop there. But it's done. It's too late to say anything else....

Sometimes I wonder why is it you. Why? You're nobody. There's only one thing in my list that you're in. And thats the most important one. But ya most of it I told you already since you asked. But that wasn't really the reason why. You asked me why , I wanted to just tell you I just do. Must we have reason to it? Why do you wanna know about that or do you always ask people when they tell you about it? I don't really know you. But yet I felt so comfortable to tell you about how I felt. I just had the courage to do that. I even have the courage to tell you face to face. But it didn't happen. Maybe I shouldn't anyway. Those words aren't suppose to be used just cause I had the courage.

I told you about it. And I was waiting for you to tell me sorry I don't the way you do. But you didn't. You told something I never thought you would. But someone told me everyone uses that phrase. So ya. I see. But I wasn't satisfied. It wasn't hurting enough. I want you to hurt me even more. I want that. But I wouldn't force you too. The way you answered me I was like duh~ i know that. I didn't want us to be something. I just want to tell you how I felt. I thought you would reply those four words. But you gave me five. Is just that there's still lots of question marks in my head.

I felt it before. Just like... But maybe this time I was wrong. Maybe I wasn't awake. I was blurred by my sense. There are even better chances for me but I didn't take it. My friends ask me why. But there's no answer. I just didn't have feelings for them. But they were even better. But I didn't felt safe when I was with them. I don't know.

ha.

2010-06-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

Really funny. ha. ha. ha. What's so funny? Um.. I don't really know actually. Things just really wouldn't stop. How many times I almost have a heart attack. Wonder how's my blood pressure. My life just got a little more exciting. Interesting. In Chinese they call it 刺激. Good to bad. Bad to good. To normal. Sometimes we just let things pass us by. And regret after that. But it's done. You can't turn back by flipping to that chapter of your life. Thats a pity. Really. If I could I probably flipped it a thousand times. And of course to the good parts too. Like rewinding an old tape. But thats just my imaginations..

One thing I can't change about myself is thinking too much. Practically way too much. But I was mostly right. Okay so it came and went. Whats next? Wait? Or let it go. Um.. I rather not. So many things. Wow. Something just struck my mind. Yea Thats must be nice good awesome amazing lovely. I want it. I wanna know will it be that great. Or maybe this is more than enough..

I know one day I will do it. One day. My pride will be gone. I will lose all my sense. I will laugh just to cover it. I will laugh for how stupid I was. I will laugh cause of how stupid you are. And I will just look idiotic. Will you laugh along with me? If you don't. I gotta put a big smile cause it's over. It's out. Relief. Then I'll run. Unless you ask me to stay. Unless you have something to say. But I don't think you do..

Never felt like this before. Weird. Maybe this is who I am. Maybe this is me. But I don't like it. My friends tells me Rach it's just so not you. Agreed. But why am I acting like this? I don't know. I'm just trying to show how I feel. Um i guess. But I think I showed too much. I'm gonna hold back. I will. That's enough. Okay maybe just give me two more days. Just two.

It's nice if it was that some one special. But it's not. Sorry about that yae? =) ( But I don't care.too bad. You just don't have that luck) really..

wow.

2010-06-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ha I get it now. Thank God I didn't. Thank God I waited. Now I get it. It happen again. But in a different way. But something like that. Stupid. All this. It was just the guiltiness. That's why. Just didn't want to feel bad. But you know what you still owe me. Smile. Haha. Um.. Ya you really do. Pretty cool though this few days. =D. But ya i don't think so. I don't think it's that way. But at least I was happy. =) =) Should I ask you? No. Maybe. Let's just stop here yae? Leave it the way it is. Or maybe not.

Don't expect things.

2010-06-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

I thought I wouldn't. I thought I was just thinking too much. Way too much. But as time pass, I know the answers. But I never wanted to accept it. Or maybe I just can't believe it. Things was just too fast. I didn't like the fact that I was like this-gross. To me it is. It's not me. But it's like i had so much in my mind. Insane I thought. But every time it would pass my mind. But I just focus on the other. I guess I was just thinking to much. Probably was the hairstyle that reminded me of something. And the "kindness". I didn't know. I didn't feel reluctant too. In fact I wanted too. And I did. I remembered the joy the awkward and the shyness. At that time i didn't really cared. What I cared was I wasn't please about what that happen. I end up holding this hope every time. I waited. It happen. But it end so fast.

Once it was gone. I didn't cared. I just feels weird never had that type of feeling before. I laugh to myself bout it. It was. Stupid. Whatever. Not long. It came. I didn't expect it at all. Never did. But I took it casually. Normal. There it goes again. Holding that hope again. I kinda like that whole feeling. Waiting for something. At least there's something for me to wait on. I guess what attracted me was the little common things. Things was slow and fast. I don't know which. It was both. I realize something. And I didn't tell cause I was embarrass to tell. It was a secret only me and God knew. Well it was only me. But well you can't hide things from God for sure.

Something happen. I never thought it would. It just came. I just laugh over it. Then I thought to myself. Faker. But I just lied. That laugh covered everything. So there was it. It was cleared removed. After that another thing came by. It make me go I knew it. Oh no. Why. Great I shall keep silent. Time pass by and I realize it's time. I spit it out. No way. I never thought it would be true. Yeah I know don't ask me why I thought to myself. But things got a little weird when someone else knew about it. I started to think a lot. A lot. I used my brain more than before. For unnecessary things. But I guess that's what keeps me alert. Not asleep. It also show how funny we can be sometimes.

As time pass I only stick to one. I trusted more. I guess cause to relationship was longer. But still trusted the other one though. I guess secrets is what keeps people closer. Things was still the same. There were up and downs. Confuse times. Elated times. Sad times. I was always holding back. Okay fine. I was avoiding. But I wasn't the only one.

I've stop that already. But I still waited. It's a rule I gave myself. I won't be the first. It's been quite long already. And I've learn. To go with the flow. That's what nic says. So I followed. Wow. Things turn out good. I guess you also have to not expect things too. So when it goes bad. YOu'er not so dissapointed. When it goes well. You will not only feel good but great.

Fuunn.

2010-06-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

Went to regina house to stay for 3 whole days! Fun and fun. What can i say? haha~ Well the main point was for the bbq and i wanted to spent time with her too~ Well we were really insanely crazy. Couldn't stop laughing. The boys were crazy too haha. Anyway um.. i had lots of fun. There were up and downs too. But in the end it was still good. It was a success. We didn't have our BBQ though cause it was raining.

I realize we have to not expect things sometimes and just go with the flow things will turn out beautifully. I'm glad.

Heard some news yesterday wasn't happy with it-at all. Really just the thought of it just makes me go.. Argh.. It wasn't me okay? It wasn't. Really it wasn't argh..

Regin it's okay yae? tehhee.. can't believe we had a long "nap" haha... Was happy to chat with you yesterday i had fun. Seeyasoon again=)

More of you, More of you Jesus

2010-05-27T01:32:00.000-07:00

I've just felt like telling you how i feel, i thought you would comfort me when i needed someone but in the end you misunderstood me. But you don't need to bring Regin into the picture. This is just a conversation we're having I'm just being honest, but you didn't get my meaning. You foolish. Yeah alright keep acting like that you know I can do the same to you, seriously.
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dumdumdum.. dampdampdamp... lalalalala..uhuhuh....teheheee.........................................................
You know what people, just Thank the lord for everything He has done in our life. It doesn't matter is it bad or good. Just thank Him. He's amazing awesome lovely. Everything that happens in our life has a reason. We just gotta find the reason to it you know. It's doesn't matter if you were hurt by your love ones or some one you love or business prob or maybe family. Just pray about it and believe it.
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I think i got the answer to it. Guess i was just to elated and forgot about it. Maybe cause i never experience this before till now. I finally get i found the missing piece. That's great and awful really. It's like there's something inside that want to come out but it's just stuck there i hate it. Feel so suffocated. Darn... She has become transparent to you. You couldn't see her but you could feel her you know her presence was there, but you couldn't see her maybe you could you just don't want too. She just some stranger to you.

Thanks

2010-05-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

Thank you for everything. Appreciate it a lot. The every little things. Thanks. Nice to know that. Though it was just two months but there's a lot things right issac? regin? yea. Two predictions. Or maybe not even in there. Maybe that's just you. Yea cause i don't know you. You're hard, you can go both ways. Isaac knows that. At least i was happy at that time. You might think this is the way then you're wrong cause you don't know me well too. Guess we're even. This way you only make me worst. Not as in hurt, this is nothing.
It's exam time so let's put this a side i hope i can and oh i guess it's not let's, it's just me. Anyway, yea that word again thanks.

You don't know. Is it a good thing?

2010-05-08T01:54:00.000-07:00

-It was one day when she's was in the bus on her way home. Looking outside the fogged up window while the rain drops clear the it up, her hands cross trying to keep herself warm. While looking outside she was thinking about how bleesed she is. She's so blessed with many things. A almost perfect family, wonderful sisters, cute parents. Lovely friends especialy one of them. Nice house. Kinda cool talent. Beautiful eyes. And many things more..

She thought about her history what she been through, it still make her shivers inside. But of course she makes sure she learn from her mistakes. She thinks sometimes God make you go through something so you won't make it happen again in the future. And of course she did, and her life was good, smooth. Till right now, she's confuse she doesn't know what to do, it suppose to be a good thing. But with a little twist, she's so eleted when she heard the news not long everything was different, she was afraid she don't know who to turn to but her closest friend. She comfort her and told her not to worry and told her not to think so much. She listen and came back stronger ignoring whatever was going to stop her. As time passed by things got worse, now she turn to whoever she trusted, everyone just told her go for it, it's okay. She's knows thats what she should do, but there's just something stoping her from it. - Wrote this a few weeks back, I don't know what's next. couldn't remember..

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Come to think about it there's lots of things... for me yea thanks. Gosh lately i feel so gross! Not me, feel so stupid seriously.. haha... You get what i mean isaac?(Always laugh at me when i go "gaga" haha) but ya know i guess we all go through that tehee.. Things are going to be fine. I guess... Alright chow.. Byes.

Pineapple pineapple stop cutting my tongue!

2010-04-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

Ah... Things are alright.. Or i should say awesome yae? haha.. Things are great lately.. But well it's like there's no way out now.. So look at the bright sight it's only two years.. Or i should say 5 months.. Oh yeah~ Can't wait

Oh so happy for my class we won the football match but i felt uneasy that day.. Not sure why.. But overall was great! Regin came too. Thursday suppose to go for movies but not sure why just didn't felt like it.. Tuesday we had this pmr test didn't study for it but at least i know how to do some of it.. Ah... Just read finish titian's curse nice~ Going to get the 4th book soon..

Today everyone went for movies, regin went for her P.E sigh.. Nothing lately.. Just the same..

Let's take things slow. The world ain't going to end soon. We don't know what the future is. So let's just wait. Wait for time to come. Maybe things would be different by then. We'll never know.

-I wanna know how you feel.-

Avril lavigne(fall to pieces)

everything was smooth.

2010-04-19T04:33:00.000-07:00

The plan worked smoothly. Everyone came.
Regin came to my house to stay till Sunday, well which was awesome obviously. She was happy to see my family. Haha.. We spent time chatting, taking photos... Nic did burger, it was yummy just nice.. Just that there wasn't enough ingredients in the burger.. McChicken is still the best wuahaha~ We took pictures in the guest room, shan was our photographer she off the lights and ask us to pose, we couldn't see anything but just the flash. Fun-one word to describe it, you should try it one day, seriously.
The next day, i woke up and went to the toilet when i went back to the bed regin smile at me i smile back and slept. Not long shan came in and told me to wake up and wash up and we did. We got there quite early.
We wait.chat.take pictures. Soon after that cynth came =) Around 8 something... Sigh we had to "morning call" ivan.. and i realize a way to wake people up! wuahaha.. next time can use that way.. haha..
After he reached we all went to the service, quite long that day... Kept repeating that song. Nice though.. Felt God's presence. Regin teared. After that we went to cs to makan, mum let me eat with them. We kept changing places.. from vivo>secert recipe>stone grill>sushi king... But i didn't enjoy it >.<>Regin went home at night, she join us for dinner and watch ghost adventures.. haha.. She kept using the pillow to cover her eyes... ------------------------------------------------------------------
Today. 19th april 10. What happen today.
School time.Slept in the bus. Was late. When for assembly. Tired. Chinese teacher caught me, but he's actually pretty good, he had his reasons. Did test. Happy. Laughed. Patient. Disappointed. worry. scared. Sad. Over joyed. hungry. feel good. glad. went back to last time. Miss it. Eat. smile. home.

To all of YOu..you..you..

2010-04-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

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Things been working out just fine. I'm happy with that. Next week. Can't wait. But i still have to study for my exam, just in case. Thank you Lord thankyou Jesus! But I'm sure i can make it. Oh yeah~ Now almost everyone know bout it. Sigh..

Not a mistake anymore Regin and cynth.. Not anymore. I know i mean how could i? So wrong. Let's just hope it will just pass by, take away by the wind. Don't worry i will be fine. It's just a sudden thing but kinda happy maybe I'm just insane. One more thing, Regin don't suddenly tear okay? It will be harder for me, just act strong for awhile :) . Cynthia, thanks for being there for me^^

To the others, i will write letter for all of you ya~ Will give it to all of you on the last day (if it really happen). I'm positive though.

Happy. Weird. Scared. Don't want it. I want it. Feels good. Nope. Yes. Confirm. Wait. Crazy me.

Went and check this website it's logan lerman web, erm.. like you can ask him questions and all and he will try his best to answer to answer as many as possible.. how true is it i don't know, honestly but anyway it was pretty interesting and funny. :P

-Cute!

-must have good eyes to see this one.

-Okay.. now this is weird.. Really.

-This made me laugh.

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Updates.

2010-03-26T05:47:00.000-07:00

-I really want this. I'm going for it-My dream. I will go for it. I will get it. No matter wad. Thanks for all your supports you know who you are. Thanks a lot appreciate it. Got my plans ready it's just a awesome plan i think. Mum please let me do this i know you will let me it's just that i want it now, right now. I don't wanna be famous i just want to act in films.-

Read regin's blog, teared haha.. really touching. When i make it i'm so gonna miss you guys! The laughter we have, laughing over small little stuff. Taking random photos. So gonna miss Regin laughter-classic. Cynthia, i won't be siting beside you anymore it's okay if we get scolding by teacher that we chat cause we wouldn't get to chat in class anymore. fang though we have some things before sorry but we're good now. Haven't been laughing with you for a long time can't believe we could laugh for more than half an hour non stop, Insane. Just when i got to know everyone better in class i got other plans. Got scolding from Malay teacher, not easy to be her assistant i did my best.

This whole acting thing is really crazy, sometimes i just wanna stand up in class and go "whoo! I'm so excited!'" yea probably will be send to the discipline office after that.

Marc say my plan it's kinda cool haha.. i think it's super cool! Cynthia thinks it's great. Could see regina don't want to let me leave at the same time she wants me to go. I know it's too sudden but it's now or too late. Oh how i wish someone will just take me away and just go.
If it's official that i can leave I'm gonna just have fun and go crazy oh yea. Can i do something to the teachers? Okay maybe not though i still have 26 points. Maybe i should skip that.. hmm.. Will think about that later. Gonna teach cynth and regin guitar on wed sounds like i'm a pro haha.. nah i'm not really, i learn it myself how good can i get? I wanna drums, skateboard, piano and graffiti . Drumschurch too. Graffiti<>
Gosh haven't type such long blog for a long time.. Signing off now! Take care=)
p.s if you wanna leave any comments just write your name and leave it on the chat box

L♥VE is in the air.

2010-03-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

Uncle's wedding. Gathering. Laughter. Fun. Taking photos. Trouble finding the right outfits. Putting on make up. Eat. Walk around. Sing.

We will leave soon.

2010-02-24T01:49:00.001-08:00

The urge to go for it. I want it. It distract me in class. Can't sleep. But just thinking. I want it. We want it. We will pray for it. We will make it. We will run away from here. Away from people who judge me and curse my future. I will go it. I will act and get it. No experience but there's a fire burning in my heart and i want it badly. I don't know can i make it but i will go for it. You can't stop me. Regina you wanna come i won't stop you, we will go together. You will be there to comfort me if i don't get it, we'll shout out loud when i get it. From that day on you will help me up. We both know what's our future we feel and see it. It feel so real. It's kinda crazy the things we think it made us laugh. Going insane. We say it's too much but yet we want it. It might just be a thought but we know we want that. We will find our way.

-Always aim for the sky, for if you fail, At least you can reach the clouds.-

-We can do it cause God is with us.-

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whatever you wanna call it.

2010-01-23T05:56:00.000-08:00

School school school.. turns out my teachers was fine.... English teacher is so cute~ Nothing awesome happen lately.... Just activities are killing me! Busy everyday.... non stop.... Haiz... can't wait Budd and shan shan to come home^^ I'm waiting ya~ Love ya all!

Still loving it!!

2010-01-18T01:43:00.000-08:00

After all the hard work of begging and praying i was able to go to my super awesome Green Day concert!!! Wah~ can't believe i'm still crazy over it... i wanna request and ask them to come again.. Who's with me?!
The concert was super crazy it was so squeeze , sweaty.... but who cares.. The sad thing was i drop my ticket!! Arg!!! still mad with myself............. the only thing i have was a tissue... haiz.... But i'm telling you it's worth it!

yea.. i got the tissue...

I didn't take this pic but it's so nice love this picture~

back to normal again

2010-01-03T01:35:00.000-08:00

-Back to how things are-Gotta prepare more paper to scibble-choose the best sit in class-
Arg! Have to go back to school tomorrow!!! I don't want!.... I haven't wash my school shoe haven't cut my hair... >.<

Just came back from kl... woke up 6.30 am....

tomorrow the only thing i'm looking forward is to meet my friends! woopi! FINALLY.

Nic and shan won't be home yet>.<>At least i got my parents and a friend hahaha~

green day green day green day!! wait for me! haahah~ (like they would know) i have to go man! hopefully dad will let me go there.. come on i got a friend with me nothing to worry la, i'll be save~ Finally have someone to go with me hahahah~ but its kinda expensive.. thank God i had enough^^

-not sure why i always have the thought of how good if i was a boy, not sure why hahaha... dressing will be so much easier! anyone agree with me haha~ i guess only shan... shan do you? but at the same time it's nice to be a girl... oh whatever God made me this way.. i should be happy^^ enough with the crap!-

*Hope my new teacher would be good.... better than before.... *

(smile)

2009-12-25T23:41:00.000-08:00

looking for.. when you find... you act stupid... you feel weird... you wanna go over... but you don't know should you... you don't know what will happen... at the same time your not sure... you beginning to worry what if... but you're happy (i guess)... you're lost... you think differently..........

!@#$%^&*()_+}{":?><,./';[]=-`~+_)(*&^%$#@!-=';,./<>?":<>?":)&%$^*^$%#@$%^%$%^#

-Holiday is coming to an end... have to go back to school back to the same old thing like every new year... meet new teacher, new friends(maybe), sitting beside people you don't want to......
-Homework, exam, homework, exam...... PMR, and some major exam next year... PMR have study yourself, school teacher not teaching you anything that's the prob with Chinese school.......

-Didn't really enjoy this year Christmas.... felt like some normal day haiz... didn't have family members all gathered together kinda stuff....

-i did caroling ahaha... not sure why... all i could say my voice.... i can't sing! that's the worst part... but it's pretty fun though...
-both my sis is leaving! it's gonna be so weird without them..... it will be like the only child now that's bad....

-won't be going for the watch night service thing.... not around.. so i guess i won't count down for new year....

-never really did anything this holiday........ what a waste...

-i slim down a little already!!!!! but still not growing tall.... i realize i was getting fatter because of HUP SENG biscuits don't touch that people!! i mean but that's what i eat for breakfast every morning before i go to school..... but now not anymore...
-having this weird feeling again... arg! thats life i guess..... but i'm gonna just stay this way... after all that exprerice i had and just pray.

!@#$%^&*()_+}{":?><,./';[]=-`~+_)(*&^%$#@!-=';,./<>?":<>?":)&%$^*^$%#@$%^%$%^#

-Holiday is coming to an end... have to go back to school back to the same old thing like every new year... meet new teacher, new friends(maybe), sitting beside people you don't want to......

-Homework, exam, homework, exam...... PMR, and some major exam next year... PMR have study yourself school not teaching you anything thats the prob with chinese school.......

-Didn't really enjoy this year christmas.... felt like some normal day haiz... didn't have family members all gathered togerther kinda stuff....

-i did caroling ahaha... not sure why... all i could say my voice.... i can't sing! thats the worst part... but it's pretty fun though...

-both my sis is leaving! it's gonna be so weird without them..... it will be like the only child now thats bad....

-won't be going for the watch night service thing.... not around.. so i guess i won't count down for new year....

-never really did anything this holiday........ what a waste...

-i slim down a little already!!!!! but still not growing tall.... i realize i was getting fatter become of HUP SENG biskuts don't touch that people!! i mean but thats what i eat for breakfast every morning before i go to school..... but now not anymore...
♥PEACE OUT..

...

2009-12-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

hey hey haha.... you know what? i'm BORED! like super bored!! This is the most borimg not interesting holiday come on man! Please di and mi bring me some where! I don't care where we are going to go just leave this place! And you know what is even tragic nic is leaving on jan for fun alone, mayb with shan but this is sad case cause saya mesti pergi school sad kan? Aiyo.... At the same time i'm not sure whats wrong with me it's like i feel jealous? sad? worry? all together and all that tak boleh la salah! I should be happy for her.............................................................

But i reply like super sarcastic answer>.< ... and

-she would be like rach why can't you be happy for me? i've been waiting for this almost my life to go there

-it's true right i'm just saying...
-.....
Can't believe i remember every single word hahaha thanks to foon yew and all their ways of studying memorize this and that if you put it another way you could say memorizing answer? but i wonder why i can't score......Anyway skip

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From now on i will write my blog stuff like super short! cause i realize it's toooo long, not everyone would read it right.... so i'll change ^^ You shall wait heheh^^

Penang

2009-11-25T00:35:00.000-08:00

Day 1

Went to the airport to go to penang, i was pretty excited cause it's my first time sitting an airplane. I sat once when i was really young but i couldn't remember...

when we're in the airplane, it started to fly. When you look down the lights look so awsome! When we were about to reach it rain a little..
Finally! We reach safely... Hallelujah

When we walked out of the airport my dad's friend willing fetch us to fill our stomach, after that we went to the hotel, when we got there the Christmas deco was all done. So we check in my parents one room, me and my sisters got one whole room to ourselves.

Day 2
The next day, my dad wake us up by calling our room... We went to wash up one by one and then we walked to a shop near by to get something to eat while waiting for my aunt to come and pick us up, not long my aunt arrived with her daughter then we finish our food and woop got into the car and went to eat breakfast , it was a shop/house kinda thing, only sell two item ipoh curry mee and kuey teow theng. Pretty good..

After eating we went to a shop which they got really cheap clothes which you have to go and hunt to find a nice one, while waiting for the fitting room my aunt called me to try some shoes it looks like crocs shoes but a little different and it cost like 20 bucks. So i took one. So after trying and decide to buy them. And next we go for food again.. ahaha

When we got there, we went to one shop, their neighbor shop actually had a really big tree which i guess grow too tall so they cut the roof a big hole and just kept growing it was like at the middle of nowhere really cool though not sure why i didn't took a photo of it....

While waiting for the food i ask my mum to go with me to behind the shop to take photos, and there was a door opened the other side so we walked over there to take a look it was a abandon house it was burned as you could see the wood was really burn till it was like charcoal it was quite creepy i must say.. but the funny part was the shop had this sign writing toilet---> but everyone miss their turn cause there was a big machine bloking the way so everyone went to the house there and they had this confuse face and they point at the place and start asking "厕所？厕所在哪里啊?" Thank god they never pee there... ahahha... ^^

When the food came it was quite full on the table we said our grace and then makan makan... when we were eating the crab everyone hands was all covered with sos, my cousin stained her clothes.... pretty good food...

After food we cross the road and just look around when you walked closer you could see the sea and there were many many boats there.. after that we went back to the car and went for some desserts yum yum... When we got down off the car i saw these granma panties really classic.. ahah... so we walked over to the place they park beside the road two long table and a few chaires and done... even the table had grown mushroom way cute... but what wasn't cute was snails... yukyuk.... they had bees all around their stuff must be real se-weet... it was nice and refreshing..^^ after that we went back to the hotel and get ready for the wedd...

After bathing it was super cold! i wore my dress didn't like the bottom part.. when we got there the wedding couple were taking their photos.. so we sat and wait................ after that my uncle pass me his precious cam to me and told me to hold for him, so i stood there holding it while he walked away to get some things done.. So i took his cam and return him and he told me take la~ And i was like huh? My sis add she say cannot... So my uncle say take take.. ^^ So woopi aha...

The toilet was really nice, when you step in there it was yellowish light the floor was small little black and white with weird shape but its pretty cool, vintage style~

the wedding when on programs when on so did the food.. when everything was over they on dancing songs so everyone could dance... it was really funny and shocking to see my parents dance felt like they were letting out their stress or something it was super funny... everyone dance for so long but as time pass the song was pretty boring so they plan to go somewhere else just near by... so we left and say goodbye we walk to our opposite the music was super loud we walk into one place didn't like it it was full of smoke the way they talk with the mic didn't like it so we left and just walk around.. not long we left and head straight to our hotel....

.
.

Day 3
We woke up and went to eat in some dim som shop to meet up with my 2 uncle and aunt... while waiting i took photos of the food.. when i on the camera again it say memory card error.. not again! why?! first thing came to mind was the pictures!! but i couldn't do anything... so i didn't take any picture after that... but thank god my cousin had extra sd card so she lend me ^^ and thank god the pics were still around ....
This is so good!

Day 4
It was time to leave penang and go back to jb.. haiz.... went to walk around the beach and say goodbye... off to the airport and that was it.... Say hello to jb....

Not every story has a happy ending.

2009-10-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Adorable
It was a Thursday night when i thought maybe i should go to my cousin house since I'm going to my primary school the next day. So i called her up and say hey, can i go to your house now? I'll be there soon ya? Immediately she say sure! So i pack my bag and I'm off.
When i got there i saw my cousin sister holding a small puppy super adorable! It's less than 1 year, she said that she giving to her friend as a gift. So she's gonna bring it to school.
I carried it and put it on my lap immediately he fall asleep.

When we went to her room she told me, hey he haven't pee or shit since i pick him up today, I'm afraid he would simply pee on the floor. So we thought maybe we will wait for him to let out some stuff first. While waiting we played, and used "breath right" it wasn't comfortable.. So waited and waited and finally! On 2 something am he finally let his first pee since he was here. So we put him in the box and went to sleep.

While i was dreaming, my dream poff! And i felt something wet, and had this disgusting sound, he was licking my face >.<>.< ... couldn't sleep anymore, i put him back to the box he still wanna come out, so i wake my cousin up, so both of us was awake, waiting for time to pass. We chat till it was 5 something. I went to bathe and get dress so when i was about to go out of the room and reach out to my cousin suddenly i heard blek~I look at my cousin her face was in shock, all i could think was did he just pu? My cousin burst into laughter i took a few step out to see, he was there with that pose still trying to get some more out, and finally he's done. And guess what, we had to clear it... Oh my...The bus was coming so we were thinking of where to put him, last minute we choose to put in my bag, and off we go.

When we went down the bus to change bus to uncle called me and told me "hey! 4 dollars!!" I stared at him with my eyes wide open he look look at me like duh 4 dollars hurry up~ Then he add"4 dollars to school 4 dollars back" that mean 8 dollars! What is wrong with him?! "some people 7 dollars up and down each i give you 4, some more you never inform me" Lier i thought to myself but i know it's wrong.And he add another which make me and cousin really angry, "You give me the dog then you no need to give any money" My cousin raise her voice so expensive you crazy?! I took wallet out then me and my cousin got the same thought she whisper in my ear saying "we give him 4 never mind later when we go home we run down the bus don't care about him. So i took my money and gave him and stare at him (don't try to trick me and think i'm stupid let's see who was the real stupid one muahaha~ )

In the bus the puppy started acting weird like he knows we are giving him away. When i reach school then i saw Hui fang we both walk together with my cousin to her class room. When we were there we took the puppy to show her friend everyone gather together looking so fascinated about it. After that i put him back to my bag and went to visit some teacher, no offence but some became prettier, fatter, some stuck in time. (don't kill me just being honest). Later we went to meet fang friends when we go and look, the guard chase us out. When we walk out she saw her friend we walk up to them then i sat on the banch i take the puppy out then pour out milk for him but he didn't want, i guess he went emo. I kept the food then the guard told us we allowed to go in. We went to to cantin and eat and chat, I took him out and put him at the table still sleeping, i went to buy food, when i came back i took my food and put on the table, i guess the smell was so strong the puppy wanted to eat it i took my plate up up and started laughing so i put him at the other side, and eat. We took picture............................................................ Kinda lazy to write >.<
Anyway, we didn't gave the dog cause fang wanted it and i don't think it's a good condition to give it away now he's emo-ing! When i went out of the school to wait for them to finish school, fang and her friends went home already. I took out the puppy, something about the dog just attract attention whoever pass by will come and touch the dog and smile from small kids to old people wow~ Amazing. It's really different from other dog i see don't count my max. haha~
Anyway it was in a good mood after i told him we are not sending him away it's like they understand immidietly it went high-po!
When we were in the bus, when we were about to reaching home, i carried to puppy and called my cousin's house the maid answer i say"cepat buka pintu cepat buka pintu!!" feels like i'm one of the S.W.A.T team. when we reach we went down and he say 4 dolloars 4 dollars! like he was selling some food in the market. I didn't turn back but my cousin did she say
"what?! give you already!!"
"no you did not."
"What?!" I say
"give me now!"
"no i'm not going to, call my father la!~"My cousin replied.
"you remember this, i will count in your bus fees"
"i don't care, i tell my father"
I add "!" as in they were shouting, but my cousin say it politely. Too much, that bus uncle haiz...
Anyway... We did lots of thing at home, i had so much fun. We also put jasper the puppy at all sorts of weird places and took picture of it.
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The next day my cousin came to my house to stay she stayed till sunday. We went to church, cs.. It was sunday morning, the alarm wake us up, i ask my mum if i could go to the park but she say if you wanna go you should go earlier. Immidiately we went to brush out teeth and wear our pj and went out to walk to the park. We sat the swing........... As time pass by my cousin mum called and say "if no one wants the dog i put it back to the guard house i called rachel's parents and they say they don't want so i'm putting it back"
I tried to find lots of way but nothing seems to work. I felt so bad it's like i should treat it so good, now put him back there and let the guard torture. I had this relationship with this dog and it's gone just like that not even saying good bye to it.
Everytime my bus pass by the guard house i'll try my luck to see him but i never did till now... I miss him so much.....
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She gave me a letter, she put it in my desk when i took my file on top my file there was a letter and it had my name written on it i knew who it was given from, it's akward to read cause she was just behind me doing her things. I wasn't ready to open it but i waited till school end. When the bell ring i walked alone to the bus on my way i saw her and my friend having fun. When i got up the bus the first thing i did was open the envolpe she told me she was sorry but sorry won't cure, let's be like how we were when we were form 1 i taught to myself strangers? No way?! When i continue she wrote i been good without you for these few days. (It's should be weeks) I hope you feel the same, but i will still remember the story you told me about twilight and the jokes we shared together.
So i guess i will still be alone doing my things, thank god i kinda like it. But of course i still have some friends. Just one wrong move will change everthing. It was my fault i did a mistake now i can't undo it anymore.
Thanks Sam! I'm kinda over it and thinking positive, thanks for letting me say how i feel. Not sure do you fine me kinda irritating, but again thanks. You're kinda right bout the dignity thingi. She's ego. But i don't blame her everyone has theirs.

s